The Future is Female

July 15, 2018

Last week, I read a post to me on Facebook written by my friend, Mendy. She was commenting on one of my recent blog posts about some “good/sage” advice she had given me when she was “20 something.” Her post read, “Where the hell did that Mendy version go??? I am now sitting in bed squinting at this damn screen with a forty something ‘I haven't done enough’ anxiety.”

When I read that, I was instantly transported back to a very similar conversation two years ago in my office with Marissa, another friend and colleague. Marissa had uttered almost the exact words to me. Both Mendy and Marissa are accomplished young women, who have gained the respect of peers and leaders in their respective fields, while managing homes and motherhood, yet they don’t feel like they have “done enough.” This is probably not uncommon among intelligent career women with a modicum of ambition. I wish I could say that I’m surprised, but I’m not. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was in my 40s and managing a career and family obligations. What is surprising, and unfortunate, is that 20 years later, not much has changed.

When I was at the point in my career that Mendy and Marissa are now, I worked for my friend, Sue. Sue is only a few years older than me, but she had catapulted to the top of the injury and violence prevention field with some groundbreaking studies, that resulted in a national and international expert reputation. Through no fault of her own (because she has always been quick to share the limelight with her colleagues), Sue’s success was intimidating. Plus, I had an up close and personal view of how much harder Sue worked than her male counterparts.

Since this is a blog dedicated to positivity, I won’t dwell on the continued messages in our society that make women feel inadequate. What I will point out is the gratitude that I feel to Sue for her guidance and friendship. I credit Sue for shaping my career and introducing me to a cadre of other wise women leaders, who have provided counsel and direction throughout my career. Sue is the person that got me involved in the Safe States Alliance, which led to me meeting a host of other professionals, both older and younger. I have had the privilege to work with amazing staff in Oklahoma and Texas, as well as other colleagues across the U.S., Canada, and other countries. I have learned from all of them. They are all directly or indirectly associated with any success that I’ve had.

Starting with my mother and sister, I have been fortunate to be surrounded by strong women who have not let gender define their roles or worth. Additionally, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge my male “feminist” friends and colleagues who have helped pave the way for us.

My best friend gave me a t-shirt that I wear often that says, “The Future is Female.” I love it!

While the ultimate “glass ceiling” has yet to be broken for women, there have been advancements that hopefully, will make it better for women of the Gen X, millennial, and centennial generations. I hope to witness more advancements for my daughter, nieces, and any future granddaughters, as well as Mendy’s and Marissa’s daughters.

Until then, I wish that Mendy and Marissa could see themselves through my eyes. If they could, I think they would be amazed! They, along with all of the other friends and colleagues who have influenced my life, are my inspiration.

Be Open to New Opportunities

July 11, 2018

These days I often get many questions about my plans for retirement (I think that is inevitable when you reach my age). I’ve even been guilty of asking my friends of a certain age, if they are thinking/planning for retirement. Honestly, I think many of my friends are asking me these questions because they are concerned about me. It’s no secret that when I retire, I’m going to have to leave a city that I love. And the people who love me and know me best are concerned that I will have a difficult time adjusting to the change in residence. I appreciate their concern, but I think I’ll be okay.

I’ve always been able to “adjust my aspirations” as Daniel H. Pink describes in his book, When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing.

I remember a conversation with a friend in 2002 as I was preparing to leave for a 3-week trip to Michigan, which involved me staying in a dorm room and attending classes as part of a Fellowship program with the Indian Health Service. My friend was concerned that it had been 24 years since I had lived in a dorm room, and that the time away from family would be difficult. The reality is that it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life (life changing, really, not to mention getting to spend one of those weeks getting to know my BFF better)! I returned from that trip refreshed with a renewed sense of purpose!

Lately, I’ve had several conversations with family about the future. Some have expressed dissatisfaction with the ever-changing things happening within their professional life. My brother-in-law recently asked his wife and me, if given the chance, would we go back to being 18 years old? Without even looking at each other, my sister-in-law and I said “NO.” I am a career professional and my sister-in-law has always been a stay at home mom and wife, yet both of us are as happy with our lives today as we were 40+ years ago. Both of us resoundingly said we love our lives today and look forward to the future. I think the reason for this is that both of us have a positive outlook and the ability to adjust with the changing times.

I think this is not only important to consider for those of us facing retirement, but also for our youth graduating from university and facing career choices. Recently, I was watching a YouTube video of an interview with Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg and Wharton professor and organizational psychologist Adam Grant. They said the worst career advice is planning your career in advance.

"It's a terrible idea, because the world is changing way too fast to know today what opportunities will exist in four or five years," Grant explains. "I think that so often, people get locked into one direction long before they have any clue what's out there, and long before the most interesting opportunities even exist."

As Sandberg writes in Lean In, social media didn’t even exist when she was just starting her career. "Mark Zuckerberg was only 7 years old when I graduated from college," Sandberg writes in Lean In. "I could never have connected the dots from where I started to where I am today," Sandberg explains. She agrees with Grant, making a concrete plan isn't a good idea. But you should keep some focus in sight.

"While I don't believe in mapping out each step of a career, I do believe it helps to have a long-term dream or goal," she writes. Looking for the right career "requires both focus and flexibility." Grant and Sandberg say you should always keep your eyes open for new opportunities. I concur.

My career in no way resembles what I thought it would be in 1982 when I started working at the Oklahoma State Department of Health. But I have remained open to the opportunities that were presented to me. And, I have been incredibly fortunate in the process.

So to my daughter and nieces, it's okay if you don't have it all figured out yet! You will get there. And to my friends who are worried about me when retirement finally comes; I’ll be fine when I return to Oklahoma some day. There are enough people there I can hang with who share my values. Plus, Dallas is only a 3-hour drive away, and I can reach my friends by plane. Don’t worry about me.

Tip for the day

July 8, 2018

When your best friend’s daughter asks you to fly to Baltimore for the weekend to attend a belated birthday party for her mom, say yes! Life’s too short not to spend some time at one of your favorite places with some of your favorite people!  For as long as I live, I will never forget the smile on Matt"s face when he rounded the corner and saw me standing at the front door and whispered to me, "She has no idea you are coming," or Dave's chuckle when his wife recognized my voice and realized I was actually standing on their pool deck, or Carolyn's arms around my neck, or the satisfaction on Kate's face when she returned from her MacBeth performance knowing that she had pulled off a coup for her mother's party! I will relive these moments over and over again. I love making these people happy! Plus, I would have missed an incredible sunset, if I hadn't gone! Thanks Kaitlyn Fowler! #bfftimeisthebesttime

Start with Why

“People don't buy what you do; they buy why you do it. And what you do simply proves what you believe.”

Simon Sinek

Start with Why:
How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action

July 3, 2018

As part of the Essential Leadership Skills Training of the Texas Injury Prevention Leadership Collaborative, participants are encouraged to read Simon Sinek’s book, Start With Why, and watch his TED talk on this subject. In my opinion, it should be required reading for any leader, regardless of the job!

Sinek explains that every person, organization or company can tell you what they do. Some can tell you how they do it. But, only a few organizations or companies know why they do it. Sinek says successful organizations and companies have a purpose, cause or belief and can explain it – the why –- and it’s driven from the inside out instead of the outside in.

If you know me or have read any of my previous blog posts, this will come as no surprise – I have to feel inspired by my career, which probably explains why I have spent 30+ years in public health. It’s certainly not because a public health career is financially lucrative! It is what kept me at the Oklahoma State Department of Health for 26 years, and it is what attracted me to Parkland Health & Hospital System in 2008.

For outsiders to Dallas and history buffs, Parkland Hospital is probably best known for its connection to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. After President Kennedy was shot at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, he was transported the 3.9 miles to Parkland Memorial Hospital. But, for me, Parkland has provided my purpose for the past 10+ years. When Dr. Ron Anderson, Parkland’s former President and Chief Executive Officer (CEO), hired me in 2008, he talked about Parkland being the foundation for a healthy Dallas and how Parkland’s mission is to treat every patient/client with dignity regardless of ability to pay. Honestly, after hearing his impassioned words, I would have crawled to Dallas from Oklahoma to work at Parkland!

Ten plus years have passed since my first meeting with Dr. Anderson in November 2007. We have new leadership and numerous new employees, but the underlying mission of dedication to the health and well-being of individuals and communities entrusted to our care, remains the same.

In November 2008, Dallas County voted to approve the construction of a new Parkland Hospital to replace the building that had housed the hospital since 1954. In August 2015, the new facility was completed, and Parkland Hospital officially moved across Harry Hines Boulevard into the new hospital. Prior to the opening of the new hospital, Parkland held several open house events to allow employees, donors, and the community to tour the hospital. I had the privilege of being a tour guide for the public open house, which was held on a weekend. When I arrived for my morning shift on the day of the event, I was shocked at the number of people waiting for the doors to open for the open house. For the record, I’ve been married to my husband for enough years to always be at least 30 minutes early for any scheduled event, so I was shocked when I arrived early for my shift only to find people standing in line waiting for the doors to open to tour the new Parkland Hospital on a weekend. Here’s another surprise – not only were they early, but these people were dressed in their best apparel. As the doors opened, and people streamed in to view the bright, shiny new hospital, they gasped. My station was near the entrance of the hospital, and I heard one person after another exclaim how beautiful the new hospital is. More than once, my eyes filled with tears as these individuals from underserved areas thanked me for the beautiful new hospital. And, every single time, I replied, “Thank you. Your tax dollars made this beautiful place possible. I work for you.”

I’m not the only person working at Parkland that feels this way. For most Parkland employees, it’s not our job; it’s our passion. This was reiterated recently when our department held a retreat to spark new and innovative ideas to better care for our patients and the citizens of Dallas County. As part of the process, leaders were asked to tell the group what excites them about their job. Once again, I was inspired by the emotion behind the words of my leaders. One of my leaders talked about moving from “striving to thriving.” Another talked about grace being “underserved benevolence.” And one simply said, “I bleed purple” (which is the color of Parkland’s brand). I’m not sure “bleeding purple” is possible, Dr. Williams, but if it is, I do, as well!

Parkland has always been the hospital that serves the most underserved of Dallas’ population. The hospital system is continually focused on improving the care delivered to our sick and injured clients through state-of-the-art advances in medicine, but they are also committed to prevention. With the establishment of the Community Health Institute, they are actually trying to keep Dallas County citizens from getting sick and injured in the first place.

It’s clear that the commitment to excellence has been a part of the fabric and culture of Parkland for decades. Five days after the death of President Kennedy, Parkland’s administrator at that time, C. J. Price, sent the following memorandum to Parkland employees:

To: All Employees

At 12:38 p.m., Friday, November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy and Texas’ Governor John Connally were brought to the Emergency Room of Parkland Memorial Hospital after being struck down by the bullets of an assassin.
At 1:07 p.m., Sunday, November 24, 1963, Lee. H. Oswald, accused assassin of the late president, died in an operating room of Parkland Memorial Hospital after being shot by a bystander in the basement of Dallas’ City Hall. In the intervening 48 hours and 31 minutes Parkland Memorial Hospital had:

1. Become the temporary seat of the government of the United States.
2. Become the temporary seat of the government of the State of Texas.
3. Become the site of the death of the 35th President.
4. Become the site of the ascendency of the 36th President.
5. Become site of the death of President Kennedy’s accused assassin.
6. Twice become the center of the attention of the world.
7. Continued to function at close to normal pace as a large charity hospital.

What is it that enables an institution to take in stride such a series of history jolting events? Spirit? Dedication? Preparedness? Certainly, all of these are important, but the underlying factor is people. People whose education and training is sound. People whose judgment is calm and perceptive. People whose actions are deliberate and definitive. Our pride is not that we were swept up by the whirlwind of tragic history, but that when we were, we were not found wanting.

There is a majestic, state of the art hospital located at 5200 Harry Hines Blvd., but it is what is inside that building that makes it special – a compassionate and caring staff entrusted with the care of the most needy and underserved in Dallas County. Parkland has figured out the “why!” And, I’m so very fortunate to be part of it!

America the Beautiful

June 29, 2018

Some days, I have to remind myself that America is beautiful and believe that grace and humanity still exist here.

"Sometimes being with your best friend is all the therapy you need."

June 23, 2018

There are numerous articles, books, and studies on female friendships. I have to admit – I’ve read many of them. My female friendships are very important to me, and I’ve been lucky to be friends with several strong women who have influenced my life.

In many of the books I’ve read on the subject, the women have been friends since elementary school. My mother (who is now in her 80s) is a member of a “birthday club,” which is a group of seven women, many of whom have been friends for 70+ years. These women not only celebrate each other’s birthdays, but also have traveled together. The local newspaper where they live even featured them in a story on female friendships.

Unlike my mother, I don’t live in the same community where I attended high school, so my best friend is not someone I’ve known forever. But even from early in our friendship, she has been the person who understood me better than most other people. And consequently, any time with her, whether it is a 10-minute phone call or 48 hours in the same city and same space, leaves me feeling happy.

On paper, it may be hard to imagine that we are friends because we’ve lived vastly different lives. While she was born in the U.S., her family moved to Great Britain when she was 1 year of age, and to Cape Town, South Africa when she was 11 years old. She lived in Cape Town (and through Apartheid) until she moved to Baltimore in the early 1990s with her husband. I was born in Oklahoma in a mostly rural setting and spent all but the last 10 years there. She was teaching at Johns Hopkins University, and I was working at the Oklahoma State Department of Health.

Whether it was luck or fate, our paths finally intersected, and we ended up in the same meeting in Chapel Hill, North Carolina on September 10, 2001. Within about 10 minutes of meeting her, I knew that I would move “heaven and earth,” if necessary, to be friends with this woman.

To be honest, Carolyn was (and still is) pretty much a “rock star” in our field. But for whatever reason, I had not heard of her prior to September 2001 (not sure what that says about me). I don’t use the term “rock star” lightly. Carolyn is a captivating speaker, whether she is giving a keynote presentation to hundreds or teaching to a smaller class of students. By now, I’ve watched her give many presentations, and the results are always the same. It’s like the audience is spellbound; hanging on every word she utters.

But, she also has this uncanny ability to connect with people; of making people want to get close to her. I’ve seen this happen over and over, including with my friends in Texas and Oklahoma. I think they all love her as much as I do! My friend, Mendy, once said to me (possibly with a tinge of jealousy), everyone wants to be friends with Carolyn, and you get to be! Trust me, Mendy. I fully understand that privilege!

It’s not the “rock star’ that I love about Carolyn; it’s all the other stuff. She is my confidant and my cheerleader. I love how she makes me feel safe. I love how she listens to my joys, sadness, and concerns without judgment, even when I slip into “judger” mode. I love the feel of her hug when I get tearful. I love how she can challenge my assumptions, cultivate my imagination, and make me believe that no task is too daunting and nothing is impossible. I love the look in her eyes when she thinks I’ve said something delusional. I love listening to her sing along with the songs on my playlist. I love hearing the excitement in her voice when she talks about Africa or the leadership work she is doing. I love “collecting memories” with her, whether it is traveling to fun places or sitting on my balcony or her deck, sharing a bottle (or two) of wine and just talking. I love how being with her makes me feel and the person I am when I’m with I’m with her.

I love her heart, because she has mine.

A few years ago, I had an opportunity to present her with an award given by a professional association of which we are both members. Recently, I found what I had written about her for the award. The last sentence was “she has been my oxygen.” It’s still true; today more than ever.

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Carolyn Cumpsty-Fowler as my best friend, but, frankly, I don’t care. I’m just grateful that she is.

“Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said ‘I’m here for you,’ and proved it.”

Be the Sermon

June 20, 2018

Often, other people’s words inspire me. I found such words on Father’s Day, when I read a post on Facebook from my friend, Eric Littleton. My husband and I have known Eric, and his wife, Marci, for more than 40 years. Eric’s book, Solomon’s Gift details the resiliency, faith, and compassion of Eric and Marci and their family after one of their twin sons, Solomon, contracted a rare neurological disease. In Eric’s words, the Littleton’s were living the “American Dream,” prior to Solomon’s illness. They were college-educated, had lived and traveled internationally, had a successful business, lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood in Oklahoma, had a nice vacation lake house, drove nice cars, attended a nice Church of Christ, had beautiful twin boys and a daughter, and had plenty of money, savings and a retirement account. Then one of the twins slowly began to get sick, and everything changed. I don’t want to retell the Littleton’s story here because it is worth reading Eric’s articulate and eloquent words. The book is available on Amazon.

Typically, Eric posts very positive messages on Facebook. Almost every day, he posts a “thought for the day,” that includes inspirational quotes. But on Father’s Day, he started his post with the words, “This may be an uncharacteristically somber post, so bear with me.” Of course, I was intrigued and continued to read his unusually lengthy post, which does bear repeating.

My intent is not to play the victim...we will never do that. My intent is not to pander for sympathy...we have the most amazing life and celebrate it daily. My intent is not to bring judgment or condemnation or to grind an axe. So, please know my heart. My goal is to raise awareness so we, as a community of people, can be better at loving those that we perceive as “not us.”

Four weeks ago while visiting a church with a dear friend, a well intentioned, albeit misguided usher, asked us to take Solomon to the lobby because he was distracting people from hearing the preacher. He was not screaming or crying but you could hear his verbal stemming “bup, bup, bup.” For the record the pastor of the church called us and apologized profusely when our friend told him what happened. Three weeks ago while eating at a restaurant at our lake house, a man made a derogatory remark to us about Solomon being in the restaurant. And, tonight Marci and I took Solomon on a date...just the three of us...only to have the patrons in the restaurant look at Solomon, roll their eyes, and mumble under their breath while shaking their heads because his giggling seemed to interfere with them hearing the live music. This happened at three different booths in the restaurant. It appears as if the patrons fed off of each other’s disgust. So, we left before the meal was delivered.

What if instead of worrying about hearing the sermon our lives became the sermon? What if instead of getting upset because our meal was interrupted, our lives became food for someone else’s soul? What if instead of getting upset because someone with special needs distracted us from hearing the band, our lives became a symphony of love and grace and mercy?

To all the parents of a child who is not welcome, I am sorry. To all the parents of the LGBTQ child who is ostracized, I am sorry. To all the parents of the child of color who is not accepted, I am sorry. To all the parents of the bi-racial child who is made fun of, I am sorry. To all of the parents of the immigrant child who is not embraced, I am sorry. 
I serve a Parent whose Son was not welcomed, who was not embraced, who was ostracized and criticized and made an outcast. And He loves you dearly...and so does my family.

What if we worried more about being the sermon than hearing it?

I concur, Eric!

Obviously, Eric and Marci are modeling love and acceptance of others with their children. One of the stories that Eric talks about in Solomon’s Gift is one of many days they spent in the hospital with Solomon. On that particular day, Eric, 6 year-old Isaac (Solomon’s twin brother), and 4 year-old Grace were in the family lobby at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, while Marci was in Solomon’s room. Eric noticed a young child with obvious neurological deficits in an electronic wheelchair. The child in the wheelchair bumped into Isaac’s chair. Immediately, Isaac jumped up, and to the delight of the child in the wheelchair, Isaac began to share his Xbox game with him. Later that evening, Eric asked Isaac about the encounter. “Tell me about the little boy in the wheelchair,” Eric said. “What do you want to know?” Isaac asked. “You know he looked different than other kids,” Eric said. “To be honest, most people would be grossed out by him or afraid to touch him.” Isaac replied, “You know, Dad, he’s really no different than you or me.”

The day after reading Eric’s Facebook post, I was visiting with my friend, Mary Ann, who told me about how saddened she is about watching stories of children being separated from their parents at the Texas border. To date, more than 2,000 minor children (some as young as 3 months of age) have been separated from their parents who have unlawfully crossed the U.S.- Mexico border. Many of those children are being placed in temporary facilities, which have been called “tender age shelters.” It has been reported that U.S. Health and Human Services (HHS) is trying to find and build new ones — including new “soft-sided shelters” on military bases in Texas, which press reports have referred to as “tent cities.” While the shelters have been reported as clean, it has also been reported the shelters are “filled with children who are hysterical and crying needing their parents.” Mary Ann told me that as she watched horrified by the news, she wanted to go to the border to help. Her next thought was, “I know Shelli would go with me.”

Yes, Mary Ann, I would. I will always “show up” to help you, my friends, and the countless strangers that I don’t know who are suffering. I pray to God that I will always have the heart of Eric, Marci, Isaac, Solomon, and Grace Littleton. In a time when the news reeks of heartless tragedy, you are my hope and inspiration.

Now is the Time to Listen and Learn

June 16, 2018

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I spent much of 2017 “dazed and confused.” The United States as I knew it (or thought I knew – now I question if it ever existed other than in my mind), had ceased to exist. For months I grieved for the Christian values that had been the cornerstone of my belief system – compassion and understanding. I grieved for the loss of our democracy and the principles that are important to me – challenging and spirited, yet collegial debate. And, I grieved for the loss of intelligence and educational pursuits. Honestly, everywhere I looked there just seemed to be hate.

As a means to maintain a modicum of sanity, I stopped watching television. Admittedly, I had binge-watched news programs prior to the November 2016 election. I would watch CNN every night, then text my friends Susan and Amber. We would have long text conversations until one of us finally went to sleep. After the election, those same news programs were a source of pain. So, I basically quit watching any television – cold turkey.

At the suggestion of my friend, Mendy, I also started writing a journal in late 2016 to explore the life experiences that shaped my beliefs. Although I enjoy writing, I was never able to even commit to writing in a diary for more than 2 weeks when I was an adolescent – a time most adolescents are pouring out their angst to “Dear Diary.” Surprisingly though, the words began to flow in 2017, and I found it cathartic to write.

I still don’t watch much television, but occasionally, I will catch a clip on YouTube that catches my eye, and I’ll click on it. Today, I clicked on a link to a program that airs daily. One of the commentators on that program is a conservative. On most days, I get so offended by this person interrupting others on the program in her loud voice that I immediately click off. But today, I caught something that she said, and I actually listened. She said she is so tired of cable news shows featuring “extremist conservatives that bear no resemblance to the Republican Party that she knows and has been part of her life forever.” She was referring to an interview between CNN’s Chris Cuomo and Virginia Senate candidate, Corey Stewart. I had not seen the interview, but immediately found a clip of it. Stewart had attacked Cuomo’s late father and former governor of New York with claims that Governor Cuomo was anti-Semitic (for the record, none of Stewart’s claims have ever been substantiated). In response to the attack on his father, Chris Cuomo became very animated, with both Cuomo and Stewart talking over each other. Also for the record, I like Chris Cuomo and agree with most of his reporting. But, this was chaos, and I cringed.

My undergraduate degree is in journalism, so I am very supportive of journalists and a free press, which I honestly think is under attack these days. But, I actually questioned that interview. Are television ratings driving what is reported as news? Honestly, why was Stewart being interviewed?

I just finished Brene’ Brown’s latest book, Braving the Wilderness. In the book, she talks about anger being a “powerful catalyst, and a life-sucking companion.” On any occasion, I would be infuriated by Stewart’s comments, thinking that all conservatives think as he does. While I do know Republicans who share Stewart’s beliefs, I’m starting to question why the news media features these extremists on their news programs. I don’t think we should bury our heads in the sand (something I may have been doing prior to 2016), but do the extremists really speak for the majority of our country? I hope not.

In her book, Brown says we have fallen into a trap of hating large groups of strangers based on political rhetoric, such as “Democrats are such losers, or Republicans are selfish assholes.” Brown says both Republicans and Democrats may tend to agree with each of the statements, even though they know Republicans and Democrats personally who are neither “losers or selfish assholes.”

While it feels like there has been a “complete collapse of moral judgment and productive communication,” Brown found in her research that people who had the strongest sense of “true belonging” didn’t ignore what was happening, nor did they stop advocating for their beliefs. However, these individuals committed to forming their opinions based on their actual in-person experiences.

As I’ve noted in a previous post, several friends and I established the Texas Leadership Collaborative in 2016 to create innovative training opportunities in leadership and provide an experience for participants to discover leadership values and abilities. The Collaborative has included an Essential Leadership Skills Training (ELST), which is focused on creating safe spaces for discovery and objective inquiry. Participants learn how to recognize when they are making assumptions about a situation and are in a “judging” mode and how to switch to asking questions with the intent of truly learning.

I am by no means a “master” of this skill yet, but it is something that my friends and I have tried to practice for the past two years. Unfortunately, more often than not, my curiosity and attempt to learn more about how others think and feel, has as Brown describes been met with “antagonism rather being valued as learning.” During some of these attempts, I’ve had individuals say to me, “there’s no need to have this conversation because I’m right, and you’re wrong, end of discussion.” I’ve had people question my faith and morality. Admittedly, it is hard to continue trying to have productive communication when those are the responses. But my friends and I are persistent. We will continue to “brave the wilderness.”

As I was looking back at an entry from my journal dated June 1, 2017, I noticed that I was beginning to come out of the haze of the previous six months and regain my resilient spirit. That post read, “I am really trying to actively listen and understand viewpoints different from mine, but it is hard when those viewpoints are laced with hate. But, I will continue. I will continue to spread love. Our humanity and our existence depend on it.”

Ditto!

RBG

“When there are nine.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s response when asked when there will be enough females on the Supreme Court

June 11, 2018

Like millions of others, I am a shameless fan of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. For anyone who knows me, the reasons should be obvious. If Ginsburg is not proof that women are not only as smart or more qualified than any man, I’m not sure what it is. Case in point:

• Ginsburg graduated valedictorian of her high school class, two days after mother died.

• She earned her bachelor's degree in government from Cornell University in 1954, finishing first in her class.

• She made the law reviews at both Harvard and Columbia Law Schools, graduating first in her class at Columbia. She was the first female to make Harvard Law Review.

• She started law school at Harvard when her daughter, Jane, was just 14 months old. Instead of overwhelming her, Ginsburg said caring for Jane actually made law school easier.

• At Harvard, the law school’s dean chided her and the other eight females in her class “for taking the places of qualified males.”

• During her first year of law school, when her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, Ginsburg kept her sick husband up-to-date with his studies while she maintained her position at the top of the class.

• When her husband recovered from cancer and finished law school, she moved with him to New York and completed her law degree at Columbia, finishing at the top of the class in 1959. However, her exceptional academic record could not protect her from gender-based discrimination in the 1960s, and she had difficulty finding a job because “women were not supposed to hold jobs.”

• After clerking for U.S. District Judge Edmund L. Palmieri from 1959 to 1961, Ginsburg taught at Rutgers University Law School and at Columbia, where she became the school's first female tenured professor.

• She argued and won five cases before the Supreme Court prior to President Jimmy Carter appointing her to the U.S Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit.

• In 1993, President Bill Clinton appointed her to the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her, 96-3.

• She has not missed a day of oral arguments, not even when she was undergoing chemotherapy treatment for pancreatic cancer, after surgery for colon cancer, OR the day after her beloved husband passed away.

• For the past 20 years, she has worked out twice weekly with a regime that includes an elliptical warm up, squats, planks, medicine ball tosses and push-ups, while listening to classical music.

As I’ve said in a previous post, I don’t often go the movies. However, I made it a priority to see RBG, the documentary about the diminutive 85 year-old jurist, who has become more than just a trailblazer known for leading the charge on gender equality and women’s rights. Ginsburg has also become a pop culture icon, inspiring young women, as well as the “Notorious RBG” meme and one of Kate McKinnon’s most iconic characters on “Saturday Night Live.” This movie was my kind of “chick flick.”

While chick flicks are often love stories, the marriage of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and her late husband, Martin Ginsburg has to be the ultimate love story. The Ginsburg marriage has been called a "marvel of life; a marathon of love and support." Martin Ginsburg was a successful tax attorney, a famous chef among his family and friends, and held a teaching position at Columbia. When his wife was appointed to the U.S Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, he moved his teaching post to Georgetown, with the explanation that his wife had been given “a good job” in Washington.

Before he passed away in 2010, he told a friend, "I think that the most important thing I have done is to enable Ruth to do what she has done."

This is what love and gender-equality looks like, folks.

#RBG #mykindofchickflick #Iamwomanhearmeroar #goseeRBG

Cabin Fever

June 10, 2018

My husband’s family has been members of an outing club in northeastern Oklahoma since the 1940s. As a result, my husband and his siblings spent memorable summers at the family cabin, swimming and floating in the river, hiking, etc. My husband’s immediate family and his aunt, uncle and cousins shared the cabin. It sounds chaotic to me, but my sister-in-law has many fond memories of being at the cabin with her siblings and cousins.

Many of the members of the outing club have known my husband’s family for years. They are some of my sister-in-law’s closet friends. They grieved with her and supported her when my nephew, Evan, died. They celebrated with her when my nephew, Grayson, wed at the outing club, in a beautiful ceremony overlooking the river. The members are considerate and fun.

When I was dating my husband and after we married, he was anxious for us to spend time at the cabin with his family. While his siblings and cousins lived within an hour of the cabin, my husband and I have always lived more than 2 hours from the outing club. Most of the family has been able to spend several days every month in the summer at the cabin, but because of geography and my job, we were usually only able to get there once during the summer; mostly on Labor Day.

I don’t have the same childhood memories of the cabin that my husband does. My memories start as a young wife, trying to fit in with the “Wauhillau Rules.”

1. Meals are communal at the clubhouse dining room and served at the same time every day. Even before I became a vegetarian, I was a finicky eater, and rarely did meals include something I wanted to eat.

2. Everyone has to go to breakfast. There was a time when my internal alarm clock did not go off until 10 or 11 a.m., so having to get up, dress, and go to the clubhouse for breakfast at 8 a.m. was not fun. Possibly recognizing that not everyone is a “morning person,” the club voted to rescind the requirement that everyone must eat breakfast at the clubhouse.

3. You have to take a nap after lunch before you can go to the river. I loathe naps. Wait, let me rephrase that – I LOATHE NAPS.

In addition to the "unofficial family rules," there were always other family members at the cabin, hence, there was no privacy. The family cabin only had one private bedroom; the other beds were on the screened porch. So, you had to go to bed when others went to bed, share the space with them, and wake up when everyone gathered on the porch the following morning. It's not that I don't love my in-laws; I do. I just prefer some downtime alone. Additionally, a trip to the cabin on the weekend always meant spending time packing bed linens, towels, etc., in addition to clothes, then spending several hours doing the weekend laundry once we returned before having to get up early to go to work the next morning. For me, it was never relaxing. It was stressful.

Yet, I always felt guilty and responsible because we didn’t spend more time there because I knew how much my husband loved it.

Then, following Labor Day 2013, my husband got a call from his uncle. His aunt and uncle had inherited another cabin from a club member who had died many years earlier. That cabin was smaller than the family cabin, but one that I had always preferred. By then, one of my husband’s brothers and his wife had built their own cabin, as had his sister. After building her own cabin, my sister-in-law, Cindy, was extremely generous in sharing her cabin with us, as well as others.

My husband’s uncle called to say he wanted to give their smaller cabin to us. By that time, Gary’s aunt and uncle were older and weren’t able to navigate the rocky, wooded area surrounding the outing club anymore. They had discussed it with their children and grandchildren, and none of them expressed an interest in the cabin.

That telephone call changed my perspective. It meant we would have a space of our own, and I could spend time with my husband at a place he loved.

For the past 5 years, I have “Shelli-ized” the cabin, as my husband says. Even though I now live in Dallas, 4 ½ hours from the cabin, I’m more willing to make the 9 hour round trip, because we have our own space – a space that I can decorate without having to get permission from anyone else. I can take a friend there without having to schedule around anyone else’s schedule. A few weeks ago, my friend Mendy and I spent the weekend there, just laughing and talking.

Last weekend, I went to the cabin by myself. I arrived at 9 p.m. on Friday evening after a long week at work. I poured a glass of wine and sat on the screened porch listening to the rain and feeling the cool breeze. I looked around at the space we’ve created and smiled.

I like the memories that are being established. They are mine. I can’t recreate my husband’s memories and make them my future memories. I won’t insist that my daughter share this space or these memories. She’ll find her own memories, and they may or may not be at the cabin. For now, I’m going to be satisfied with a few respite trips to a small rustic cabin in northeastern Oklahoma where I can actually relax.

Thank you, Lee and Mary.

It’s about Civility – NOT Political Correctness

June 2, 2018

On May 29, ABC cancelled it’s highest rated television show – the 2018 reboot of Rosanne after the show’s star, Rosanne Barr, posted a tweet about Valerie Jarrett, an African-American woman who was a senior adviser to President Obama throughout his presidency. Ms. Barr wrote if the “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.”

Disclosure: This is not a commentary or judgment of Rosanne Barr. I have not watched any episodes of the 2018 show, not because I dislike Ms. Barr or any of the other actors on the show, but because I didn’t like the previous version of the show from two decades ago. It just didn’t appeal to me. No judgment on the actress, her political beliefs, or the content of the television show.

Not surprisingly following the show’s cancellation, I heard many people comment that our society has become “too politically correct.” I beg to differ. I don’t think this is about political correctness. I think it is about simple human decency and civility. I am very uncomfortable with people who make fun of others because of race/ethnicity, gender, sexual preferences, and religion.

A few years ago, a friend and I saw the Book of Mormon in Chicago when we were there for a meeting. The play had won the Tony Award for Best Musical, and the touring company had not yet been to Dallas. It’s rare that we ever have any free time on business trips, even in the evenings. So when my friend and I discovered that we had a free evening in Chicago with the Tony Award winning musical in the city, we got tickets. Another disclosure: What my friend and I knew about the musical was that it had won the Tony Award, and it had something to do with the Mormon Church. As someone who enjoys the theater, I appreciated the talented actors and musicians who performed in the play, but was honestly uncomfortable during the performance. I wasn’t uncomfortable because of the profanity (I’m not a prude) or because I share the same beliefs as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day-Saints (I don’t). But, I do have friends and colleagues who are Mormon, and frankly, I don’t like it when anyone’s beliefs or religion is mocked, whether they are Mormon, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Islamic, Buddhist, Christian, etc.

While I can appreciate humor and can laugh uncontrollably at Tina Fey or Amy Poehler, I am uncomfortable when comedians say something that I consider “cringe worthy.” Case in point, I have no respect for anyone associated with the current administration, but I found nothing funny about Michelle Wolf’s performance at the 2018 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

I believe that humor is important. I laugh often, most frequently at myself. I just think it should be respectful. There’s precedence for respectful political humor. Dana Carvey, who portrayed President George H.W. Bush on Saturday Night Live during the senior Bush’s presidency, is reported to have become friends with the former president and was invited to the White House by the president and his wife, Barbara. After the senior Bush left the presidency, he even appeared on SNL with Carvey.

In his book, The Restless Wave, Senator John McCain said, we have a “scarcity of humility” in today’s politics and we have compromised civility in service of anger. Once again, I find myself agreeing with the senator from Arizona. I have been on the receiving end of hurtful and harsh words. I’m not overly sensitive. I have a healthy sense of self-esteem, but I’m tired of the excuse that we should suck it up and take an “ass chewing” and “get over it.” When you’re feeling vulnerable, harsh, derogatory words can feel abusive. In the book, Choosing Civility, the author P.M. Forni, cofounder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, said “a lapse in civility can be anything but trivial when we look at it from the receiving end. I concur. I’ve been on the receiving end.

The Bible is filled with references about treating people with respect and civility. The English Standard Version of Luke 6:31 says, “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Nowhere can I find a version of that verse that says, you only have to do this if the others have the same political and religious beliefs, ethnicity, or sexual preferences as you.

On Friday, I spent the day with friends in Austin for a strategic planning meeting for the Texas Leadership Collaborative, an initiative that we established in 2016. My friend Stewart, who is one of the organizers, is very good about having us start our meetings with a “grounding” exercise. Stewart had made arrangements for us to hold our meeting at the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center, a beautiful piece of property that reflects the former First Lady’s love of wildflowers. Before our meeting (and before the temperature in Austin reached 99 degrees for the day), we walked through the grounds of the Center, listening to the birds’ chirp and the sounds of the periodic wind chimes, smelling the scents of the flowers, and feeling the occasional breeze. After our grounding exercise, we reviewed our Collaborative value statement.

As leaders, we support the inherent value of each individual and believe in the collective wisdom of the group with purpose and passion.

As leaders, we believe in creating safe spaces for discovery. We strive to stimulate and influence one another by strengthening each member and their contribution.

As leaders, we accept the responsibility to voice our opinions while support each other’s right to authenticity, creativity and learning.

Together, we believe in collaboration and cooperative interaction to find common ground and produce meaningful outcomes.

My friend, Mary Ann, another of the Collaborative organizers, often reminds us to “speak the truth with love.” In doing so, we have created an environment where we feel safe to speak candidly, disagree and challenge each other.

Thank you Mary Ann, Courtney, Stewart, Marissa, Lindsay, Cary and Jen. I am so fortunate to have you in my life. You keep me grounded when the behavior of others seems less than civil.

Collecting Memories

May 28, 2018

For the past several years, I’ve been trying to reduce the amount of “stuff” I have. This includes possessions, clothes, and even some mementos. This desire to rid myself of “stuff” stems from many factors. First, I’m one of those individuals who cannot think clearly when surrounded by clutter. Second, I live in a small apartment in Dallas, so there’s not much room for a lot of belongings. And, while I’ve read Marie Kondo’s book, The life-changing magic of tidying up, my sister’s stories about assisting senior citizens downsize has probably had more of an impact on me. As the mother of an only child, I just don’t want my daughter to have to wade through endless amounts of stuff when I’m either incapacitated or gone.

That said, the one thing that I am still accumulating is memories. In the Forward in Senator John McCain’s new book, The Restless Wave, McCain recounts a story of a ceremony honoring fallen Pearl Harbor soldiers in the 1990s. McCain was at the ceremony with Senator Bob Dole from Kansas, and the late Senator Dan Inouye from Hawaii. During the ceremony, McCain became emotional. Embarrassed, he confessed to Senator Inouye that he “didn’t know what comes over me these days,” and blamed it on becoming “sentimental with age.” Without turning his gaze from the Pearl Harbor survivors marching in the ceremony, McCain says that Senator Inouye quietly said, “Accumulated memories.”

What a profound statement!

I have respected Senator McCain for many years. Even though we have little in common in terms of political beliefs, I admired his comments to an individual at a McCain event during the 2008 Presidential campaign. McCain was the Republican nominee. A woman at the McCain rally said she couldn’t trust Barak Obama, McCain’s Democratic opponent, because “he’s an Arab.” McCain took the microphone from the woman and said, “No ma’am. He’s a decent family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues, and that’s what this campaign is all about.” McCain continued to defend Obama during the event. It may be hard to imagine today, but only 10 years ago, an opponent in a Presidential campaign exemplified something called “civility,” a trait that seems to be lacking in many arenas in 2018.

In his book, McCain talks about being a restless soul, and that’s something that we do have in common. On trips, I have always tried to cram one more site, destination, activity, etc. into one trip. It’s a characteristic that has irritated some friends and amused others. My friend JoAnn has said it is “exhausting” traveling with me. In 1987 on our first trip to Europe, I dragged JoAnn to seven countries in a two-week span. In 2012, in an attempt to complete my “bucket list goal” of visiting all 50 U.S. states, I talked my husband into a trip where we drove to seven states in seven days. In 2001 on an Indian Health Service fellowship in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I tried to talk my colleagues into driving to Niagara Falls because it was “only 5 hours away.” Sadly, they nixed that request (but, I did get to visit Niagara Falls on another business trip in 2011). I love to snow ski. From the time my daughter was 5 years old until she was in junior high school, we went skiing every year – but rarely to the same ski resort, because of my desire to accumulate ski pins from as many ski resorts as possible! You get the picture.

I sincerely regret the negative impact that traveling with me has had on JoAnn and any others. I’m also grateful to the friends who have embraced my sense of adventure. I may not be collecting stuff, but I am accumulating memories and experiences. And, as far as I’m concerned, there can never be too many of either!

But, there have been instances in the past when I learned that it’s not always about the “where,” but the “what.”

In September 2016, my best friend and I were traveling to the World Injury Conference in Tampere, Finland. We decided to leave a few days early to visit Copenhagen before flying to Finland. Perfect. I had never been to Copenhagen, so that was one more city/country I could add to my list of travels. On our first day in Copenhagen, Carolyn was browsing through one of the tourist guides and casually commented there was a train from Copenhagen to Malmo, Sweden. My first thought was “let’s do it” because that meant we could add another country to that trip! But as the first day was winding down (and possibly because we were sleep-deprived from the 10-hour flight from Washington, DC to Denmark), we decided to hold off on making plans for Day 2 until the next morning. When we woke the next morning, we leisurely got ready for the day with no definite plans. We walked to Sebastopol in Sankt Hans Torv near our Airbnb and had brunch. Then we went to Nyhavn where we took endless photos, sat at one of the many outdoor cafes and enjoyed local Danish beer and watched people stroll by us. Later, we ended up walking the grounds of Rosenborg Castle before heading back to the Airbnb to recharge our electronic devices. That night, we went back to Nyhavn to experience the sustainable food market. The day ended with us stopping at a couple of other places for glasses of wine. Did we see and do as much as I originally thought we would? The answer is no. But, the day was perfect because I got to spend uninterrupted time with my best friend in a beautiful city – just talking, listening and laughing.

A few days later, we arrived in Tampere. I admit I knew very little about Finland prior to learning that the 12th World Injury Conference would be held here. The one thing I did know was that the Northern Lights could be seen in Finland, and that’s another bucket list item. The best place to view the Northern Lights is in Lapland, but it’s an 11-hour train ride one way from Tampere, so I was resigned to not seeing the Northern Lights on that trip. However, a colleague reported that she saw the Northern Lights from her hotel early one morning while we were at the conference. That’s all the incentive I needed. A group of us decided to venture out to try to see the phenomenon, also known as the Aurora borealis. At 2:15 a.m. the morning after the reported sighting by my colleague, six of us met at a hotel and took a taxi out to a secluded and dark lake. We found an overturned rowboat, sat down on it and waited to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. And we waited, and waited and waited. Although the sky to the north had faint pink hues, we didn’t get to see the full spectacular show that we’ve seen in photos. But, sitting there that night with those women and looking out over the peaceful lake and sky is something I will never forget.

Another memory that stands out to me occurred on a trip to Atlanta in April 2013 to watch the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Final Four. My husband loves the Final Four and has attended many Final Fours since attending his first one in 1977 in Atlanta. For Christmas 2012, my gift to my husband was to arrange a trip to the 2013 Final Four with our friends, Debi and Dwain. We had never been to the Final Four with Debi and Dwain, and Dwain had often said he wanted to go with Gary. So in December 2012, I got assurances from Debi and Dwain they would go to the 2013 event with us. We purchased airfare and booked lodging. Feeling excited on Christmas Day, I proudly bestowed my husband with a card detailing the plans for the trip. To say that he was less than thrilled is an understatement. He immediately began to tell me that he hadn’t planned to go to the Final Four in 2013 because it was in Atlanta, and he had been there previously. I was hurt and disappointed by his reaction, but told him that Debi and Dwain were committed.

One week before our trip to Atlanta, Dwain learned that his prostrate cancer had returned, and that it was aggressive. When Dwain was diagnosed with prostrate cancer the previous Fall of 2012, none of us were that worried. After all, prostrate cancer is often slow and can be easily cured. My husband is a prostate cancer survivor and has been cancer-free for eight years. But Debi always said that Dwain was an over-achiever, and now it appeared that he had an over-achieving type of prostrate cancer. When we learned the news, Gary instantly wanted to cancel our trip to the Final Four. But Debi and Dwain would not hear of it. They decided to immediately fly to Houston to M.D. Anderson, a renowned cancer treatment and research center, for a second opinion. Gary already had a scheduled layover in Houston for his trip to Atlanta, so the plan became that Debi and Dwain would meet him at the airport in Houston and fly on to Atlanta with him. I was flying from Dallas to Atlanta on a different airline.

That trip proved to be one of laughter, stories, and more laughter. One particularly funny incident happened when we spotted ESPN analyst, Jay Bilas leaving the ESPN booth. Several people were taking photos with the analyst, so Debi shoved me forward and told me to stand by Mr. Bilas while she snapped a photo of us. Now, here’s the thing. Jay Bilas, who played basketball at Duke, is 6’8”. I’m 5’3”. Debi may be 5’2” if she is wearing high heels, which she wasn’t on that day. She looked up, snapped the photo, and we went happily on our way. Later, as we were scrolling through the photos on her phone, we found the photo that Debi had taken of me with Jay Bilas. Except, it was a photo of Jay Bilas. I was not in it. Not even the top of my head grazed the photo! In her haste to take the photo, Debi had neglected to look at the screen on her phone. She just looked up and shot the photo! We still laugh about that!

While the trip was certainly fun, it is a memory at the airport when we were waiting to fly home that I will always cherish. As it had been on the inbound leg of the trip, Gary, Debi and Dwain were scheduled to fly together back to Oklahoma City, while I was flying on a different airline to Dallas. At their gate, I hugged each of them goodbye. As I started to pull back from hugging Dwain, he pulled me back in and whispered in my ear, “Thank you for this trip. Debi needed to laugh and smile with friends this weekend.” As he was facing an uncertain and shortened future, this man was thinking of the woman he loved and thanking me for making her smile.

Before the 2014 Final Four was held, Dwain was gone.

I’ve discovered through the years that most possessions hold little value to me. But, the memories, experiences, and the people who have shared them with me are what I treasure. I have loved every one of them. These accumulated memories are my moments of awe.

I’m so lucky!

May 20, 2018

Prince Harry mouthed those words to his new wife, Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, as he was exchanging vows during the most recently dubbed “fairy tail” wedding, where Miss Markle married a real life prince and member of the British monarchy.

The truth is that no marriage is a fairy tail. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a firm believer in marriage. I believe marriage can be good, it’s just that “happily ever after” may be impractical. Worse, it can contribute to improbable expectations. I married when I was an immature 21 year-old (what 21 year-old isn’t immature?). Even then, I knew that marriage would be hard. I had no illusions about fairy tales.

But the ceremony for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle gave me hope. I think it was exactly what we needed. Even though there continues to be unimaginable suffering in this world, it showed that the British monarchy, which traces its origins to medieval Scotland and Anglo-Saxon England can embrace a strong, successful mixed race, divorced young woman as the newest member of the royal family. When Prince Charles stepped in to walk Meghan down the aisle after her father was unable to do that, I was touched. In the spirit of full disclosure, I wasn’t a fan of Prince Charles following his divorce from Prince Harry’s mother, Princess Diana. But, he seems to have been a loving father who raised two exceptional young men. The acceptance of Meghan by 92 year-old Queen Elizabeth and her 96 year-old husband, Prince Phillip, as well as their acceptance of Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, is also cause for hope.

From the sermon delivered by Michael Bruce Curry, the 27th Presiding Bishop and Primate of the Episcopal Church, the references to Martin Luther King, and the choir singing “Stand by Me” by Ben E. King, this ceremony was an ode to African culture in addition to the love between Prince Harry and Meghan. Everything about it gave me hope. The ceremony proved that old traditions can be honored while still embracing new ideas.

Hope is important. Last week, I listened to a presentation by a member of Parkland’s Human Relations team who talked about psychological capital – self-efficacy, hope, optimism, and resilience. Scientific research has shown that hope reduces feelings of helplessness, boosts happiness, reduces stress, and improves our quality of life.

It’s why we can celebrate and feel hopeful about the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle following yet another tragic school shooting in Houston, Texas only 3 months following the last horrific shooting at a high school in Florida. It’s why we can continue to find hopefulness when our lives take an unexpected turn. I was devastated after my father’s death almost 20 years ago, but I found that it was still possible to find happiness in the face of sorrow.

The marriage of Prince Harry and Princess Meghan isn’t likely to be a fairy tale. There will be struggles because that’s life. But, I think it signifies hope. And hopefully, both the Prince and Princess will still consider themselves “lucky” 10, 20 and even 30 years in the future. My definition of lucky is if the person you love is still holding your hand after the struggles.

A Day to Remember

May 13, 2018

In the play, “Our Town,” the central character, Emily, after dying in childbirth, is given the opportunity to “relive” one day in her life. She chooses to relive her 12th birthday – just an ordinary day rather than a momentous day. After reliving that day, Emily sees that human beings fail to recognize the transience of life and to appreciate it while it lasts.

I’ve been fortunate to have many momentous days in my life – my wedding, the birth of my daughter, graduations, job promotions, U.S. and international travel, and family events. While the momentous days have far outweighed the bad days, I’ve also had my share of heartache. Without question, the worst day my life was November 4, 1998 – the day my father died of pancreatic cancer. Even though I was 40 years old, I was not ready to lose my father, who was my hero, and the first man I ever loved.

I was sad for many reasons. My sister and I would miss my father’s wise wisdom. My 10 year-old daughter and 4 and 7 year-old nieces would miss playing and learning from their grandfather. My “young” 60 year-old mother would miss the companionship and the opportunity to enjoy her retirement years with the man she loved. On November 4, 1998, it was difficult for me to believe that I would laugh and relish life again. But, I learned that if you can get past the tragedy and despair, life can still hold wonder, laughter and love.

Not long after my father died, James Treas re-entered my life. James is the father of some of my school classmates. Tragically, his wife passed away 6 weeks after my father’s death. James and my father were high school classmates, and James was in my parent’s wedding. Several years after the deaths of their spouses, James and my mother married on August 25, 2002.

James has been the grandfather that, along with her grandmother, attended my daughter’s elementary basketball games, high school drill team performances, and high school and college graduations. He is the father that has given me sage advice and held me in his arms as I have wept when I’m sad. He has done this for my sister and nieces, as well. He has been my mother’s companion for the past 19 years, as they have celebrated family milestones, traveled internationally, and welcomed new grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Recently, James experienced some health issues that may be life changing. This weekend, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my mom and James. Unencumbered by my work obligations, I spent the weekend assisting them. But, there was also time for meaningful conversation.

I am so lucky that James is in my life. I am so grateful to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren for sharing him with the “Stephens girls.”

By any standards, today would not be considered a “momentous” day. Today is not a day that I could have imagined on November 4, 1998. But, it is one that I will remember and cherish forever. Today was a gift.

Dear Staley

May 12, 2018

Your mom was wrong!

In May 1976 with all the maturity of an 18 year-old about to graduate from high school, when asked what my ambition was, I said, “Not to be just a wife and mother.” This was recorded in the graduation document for our Class of ’76. Since this was pre-Internet, there may not be proof of those words, unless some of my classmates saved their copy. Already a proud feminist at that point, I wrote that statement because I was frustrated that the ambition of many of my female classmates was “to be a good wife and mother.” Don’t misunderstand, even then I wanted to be married with children; I just didn’t think it should be the focus of my life. I wanted it all – career, success on my own merits, as well as a family. It may explain why Hillary Clinton’s 1992 response to a question about her career as a lawyer put me permanently on the “I’m with her” bandwagon. Her comment of "I suppose I could have stayed home, baked cookies, and had teas," has dogged her ever since. While the remark outraged many voters who perceived it as a knock against stay-at-home wives and moms, it resonated with me. Still does.

That said, my comment about not being just a wife and mother, may have been one of the most uninformed comments I have ever made. In May 1988 after nine years of being happily married, there was nothing I wanted more than to be YOUR mother, and a good one at that.

As trite as it sounds, on May 12, 1988, my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. Being your mother has been the most exhilarating, exhausting, fun, worrisome, important and meaningful thing that I have ever done. My love for you is indescribable. I would not change one single thing about you. I cherish every second with you.

On your 30th birthday, I wish for you the ability to be YOU. I wish for you the ability to choose your success, which may not be the same as mine. What I didn’t know in 1976 is that everyone, including all women, has the right to choose and create their future, regardless of whether it falls into feminist or homemaker ideals. I wish for you love, strength, happiness, and resilience – on your terms.

I’ll probably get some flack from the English teachers in our family, but I love the quote below. Don’t ever forget it.

“You is smart. You is kind. You is important.”

Aibileen Clark in The Help

Happy birthday, Staley. You are my greatest joy.

I love you.

Mom

Reflections from Z Tejas . . .

May 10, 2018

One of the things that writing this blog is forcing me to do is to focus on the positive even when I feel anxious about things that are beyond my control. Basically, it is necessitating that I take a “purposeful pause.” To stop for a moment . . . breathe . . . clear my mind of the overwhelming “to do” list, travel schedule, and family emergencies . . . so that I can gain clarity.

A couple of years ago, I was introduced to the “purposeful pause” through the Texas Injury Prevention Leadership Collaborative. The Leadership Collaborative is an initiative that some of my friends and I have established. While it may seem incredulous that I agreed to start a new initiative and project with friends after just mentioning “overwhelming” work obligations in the previous paragraph, but the Texas Injury Prevention Leadership Collaborative and the mindful leadership training that we offer through the Collaborative has helped me gain perspective and weather tumultuous times.

The Institute for Mindful Leadership notes that often the strongest current we face is the flood of thoughts and reactions filling our mental space and making us distracted or preoccupied. Practicing purposeful pauses – intentionally interrupting mental busyness by taking a few moments to simply pay attention to being present, to repeatedly synchronize our minds with our bodies – cultivates leadership presence. This can be done by momentarily stopping to feel the breeze of a cool wind, the scents and aroma from walking into a familiar place, or even the music piped in at your favorite restaurant. The Institute for Mindful Leadership says that being synchronized affects how we function. And because of the ripple effect, that affects how others around us function. Taking a purposeful pause may affect how we react to a snarky text message. Instead of reacting negatively and sending a snarky reply, taking a purposeful pause may help us remember the sender of the text is in a stressful situation. Sending a snarky reply will only perpetuate the stress and continued negativity. Instead of struggling to gain focus and clarity while overcome with waves of emotions, it becomes easier to remember to use our bodily sensations to help us stay in the moment so we can see what’s called for now.

Today, I’m trying to practice this. May is typically a busy month for me and includes multiple business trips, with long (although productive) meetings. Regardless of how productive these meetings can be, the schedule is also very tiring (especially at my age)! At the moment I’m in Austin for meetings. I’m staying at a hotel that is my “home away from home” for approximately 20 nights a year. The hotel is walking distance to one of my favorite restaurants in Austin – Z Tejas. Instead of sitting in my room to work on my endless “to do” list, I packed up my computer and walked to Z Tejas for lunch. Sitting on the patio with a cool breeze accompanying the 85-degree temperatures has been refreshing. The “to do” list is still there, but the purposeful pause has done more to prepare me for my next conference call, next meeting, and the weekend ahead than constantly completing one project just to start the next one. Feeling the Austin breeze means more than putting a check mark on an item on my “to do” list 30 minutes earlier.

#tryingttopracticewhatIpreach

#stillaworkinprogress

Just Bluebonnets

May 9, 2018

It's nearing the end of bluebonnet season in Texas, so this post will contain few words and mostly photos of the bluebonnets that dot the fields of Texas in April each year. If bluebonnet season is not on your bucket list, it should be!

This is what 81 looks like in my family!

April 28, 2018

On the date of my mother’s 27th birthday, her oldest daughter (me) sneaked into her classroom during recess and scrawled on the chalkboard, “Happy 27th birthday!” For those who don’t know what a chalkboard is, Google it! At the time, my mother was a first year 2nd grade teacher. Later that evening, my mother scolded me – not for writing “Happy Birthday” on her chalkboard, but for including her age in the message!

Fast forward to 1988. My 50 year-old mother had been teaching for 23 years. I again visited her at school, this time with my infant daughter and her first grandchild. One of my mother’s colleagues was celebrating her 40th birthday, and all of the teachers were wearing buttons that said, “_____ is 40. I’m not _____.” On my mother’s button, she had hand written, “But I wish I was.” Needless to say, age has always been a “hot topic” in my family.

I took a chance on including my mother’s age in the title of this blog post, but I think she is finally celebrating the number of candles on her birthday cake instead of dreading them!

In 2017 when I began writing a journal at the suggestion of my friend, Mendy, it included an examination of trying to understand how I became the person that I am. Week after week as I wrote, it became clear (although, I have always known it) that my mother has always been the most influential person in my life.

While both of my parents were first generation college graduates and went on to earn Master’s degrees, it was different for my mother and the women of her generation. My mother chose a different path than her mother and decided to have a career, so that is the model that I aspired to when I was young. Very early in my life, my mother let me know that her expectation for me, and for my sister, was to be more than average. There were times that expectation was a burden, but I’m grateful for it today.

I’m not sure what spurred my mother’s early activism regarding women’s rights. Perhaps it was because her biological children are female. Maybe it was because she witnessed her own mother, a homemaker with no education, faced with having to make a living after my grandfather died. But, early in my life, my mother encouraged my independence.

During the early 1980s, my mother was active in trying to get the Equal Rights Amendment ratified in Oklahoma. The Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) passed the U.S. Senate and then the House of Representatives, and on March 22, 1972, the proposed 27th Amendment to the Constitution was sent to the states for ratification, with a seven-year deadline on the ratification process. There was opposition to the ERA organized by fundamentalist religious groups across the country. My hometown was no exception. Anti-ERA organizers claimed that the ERA would deny a woman's right to be supported by her husband, privacy rights would be overturned, women would be sent into combat, access to safe and legal abortions would continue, and homosexuals could legally marry. Although the ERA did not pass, 30 years later on June 26, 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court made marriage for same-sex couples legal nationwide, declaring that refusing to grant marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples violates the Constitution.

But, back to the past. For the ERA to become a Constitutional amendment, 38 states had to ratify it. As the 1979 deadline approached, only 34 states had ratified the ERA. Congress granted an extension until June 30, 1982, and there was a huge push to get the four remaining states necessary. Alan Alda, who may be best remembered as Hawkeye Pierce on M*A*S*H*, is also one of the most prominent of Hollywood’s male feminists (he appeared on the cover of Ms. magazine). He actively supported ratification of the ERA and traveled to states that hadn’t ratified it to garner support. One of his stops was in my hometown. I loved Alan Alda then, and still do! I have always been a fan of his acting as well as his support of causes important to me. My mom, sister and I were able to attend his appearance in Ada. Armed with my camera, I was able to get a photo of my sister shaking hands with Mr. Alda! Several days later when I got the photos developed (this was before digital cameras, and I had to wait several days to get the prints), I immediately took them to the school where my mom was teaching. It was during a recess break, so my mom was in the teacher’s lounge with several other teachers. One of the teachers who was a staunch opponent of the ERA “because the Bible says women are not equal to men,” peered over my mother’s shoulder to glimpse the photos, then quickly turned away when she realized what they were and said, “I can’t look at those.” Confused, I asked her why. “Because that’s a sin,” she replied. I was dumbfounded. Looking at photos of my sister with Alan Alda was a sin? Overhearing this exchange, my mother came to my rescue. She didn’t put the photos away, but continued to show anyone and everyone that came into the lounge, the “great photos her daughter had taken.”

My mother was an elementary school teacher for 30 years, during which time she received Teacher of the Year honors. When she retired, the local newspaper ran a story about her with a photo of her with some her students.

When I started this blog, the intent was to only post photos that I had taken. However, the photo of my 81 year-old mother on a zip line taken recently on a trip with my stepfather, stepbrother and his family on a trip to Sonoma, California is too good not to post! This is what 81 looks like in my family!

Last night my daughter sent me a text with that photo that said, “This picture makes me very happy.” Me, too!

While I am an admitted “Daddy’s girl,” my mother has always been my “shero!” She continues to inspire my sister, her granddaughters, and me!

#strongwomen

Widen the Aperture

April 24, 2018

Whew, it’s been another exciting, refreshing, energizing, fun, and yes, exhausting week!

I had the opportunity to spend several days in San Antonio for the 36th annual Lifesavers National Conference on Highway safety Priorities, which is the largest gathering of highway safety professionals in the U.S. The conference provides opportunities to learn about the latest, cutting-edge evidence and innovation, and share information with other traffic safety professionals. As a member of the Lifesavers Planning Committee (LPC), I get to interact on a monthly basis with the other remarkable and dedicated members of the LPC and the amazing team at Meetings Management, Inc. And each year, I get to spend a few days with these people and several thousand others discovering the city that is hosting the conference.

This year’s conference was even more special because it was held in my adopted home state, in the beautiful city of San Antonio. It was so fun to be able to host my colleagues from across the country in Texas with my Texas friends. And, I even had the opportunity to emcee the opening plenary!

Texans like to say that we “do things BIG in Texas,” and the 2018 Lifesavers Conference was no exception. We offered the most workshops ever, and set a new attendance record to boot! And, the conference coincided with the opening of Fiesta San Antonio, which is the city’s premiere event. Dubbed the “Party with a Purpose,” Fiesta began in 1890 with the Battle of Flowers Parade, which has been the only parade to be planned and directed completely by women. Fiesta has had an economic impact of more than $340 million for San Antonio. All funds raised by official Fiesta events provide services to San Antonio citizens throughout the year. It is a celebration of San Antonio’s rich and diverse cultures. Viva Fiesta!

My trip to San Antonio actually started with my 6:15 a.m. flight being delayed for four hours. When you arrive sleep-deprived at the airport at 5:00 a.m., learning you have a four-hour delay has a tendency to cause some “up-regulation” as my leadership training has taught me. I took a few deep breaths. Fortunately, a kind Southwest ticket agent was able to book me on the 7:30 a.m. flight.

When I arrived in San Antonio, I rented a car and drove out to Enchanted Rock, a massive pink granite dome that rises above Central Texas. Hiking the summit of Enchanted Rock has been on my “Texas bucket list.”

As I drove along the winding Hill Country roads that day, I was reminded of two Texas women, both of whom were former First Ladies who left an enduring impression on this country. Bluebonnets and other wild flowers peppered the sides of the roads, a lasting legacy of Lady Bird Johnson. Flags were flying at half-staff out of respect for the passing of Barbara Bush, who has been called “America’s grandmother.”

Hiking to the peak of Enchanted Rock may have been easier 10 years ago when I first moved to Texas, but standing atop the summit of the mystical dome and observing the 360 views of the Texas Hill Country, was well worth it!

The day was overcast, so I needed to widen (or open) the aperture on my camera. For my non-photography friends, the aperture is the opening of the camera’s lens. Widening the aperture allows the camera to let in more light.

As I reflect on the past few days – my hike to Enchanted Rock and the Lifesavers Conference in beautiful, diverse San Antonio – I’m reminded that when I “widen the aperture” – embrace new experiences and people, it brings a richness to my life.

The closing speaker at the Lifesavers Conference, Brigadier General (Ret.) Joe Ramirez, Jr., told several moving and inspiring stories of leadership. In closing, he showed a photo of a grave marker. Like most markers, the gravestone included the individual’s date of birth and death. Between the two dates was a dash. As he concluded his remarks, Brigadier General Ramirez asked, “How are you going to live your dash – the time between birth and death?”

I’m attempting to live my dash trying to make Dallas and the U.S. safer, and by bringing more light into my sphere of influence. I'm so grateful to my family, friends, and colleagues who are helping me on this journey!

"Are you going to boycott Starbucks?"

April 21, 2018

The question came from my husband who has been witness to my many social justice boycotts (#deleteUBER, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-a). I’m sure he was wondering how the arrest of two black men sitting quietly waiting to meet someone in a Philadelphia Starbucks was going to affect my twice-daily Starbucks run (in the morning for chai tea and the afternoon for a Cool Lime Refresher).

In the past, my immediate reaction to hearing the news about the arrest would have been incredulous shock (how is this still happening in this day and time?), but I’ve listened to my African American friends who tell SO. MANY. SIMILAR. STORIES. Sadly, I have been clueless. There was a time when I thought that 153 years after the 13th Amendment was passed abolishing slavery, and 54 years after the Civil Rights Act was passed, which outlawed discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex or national origin, that we would all be able to sit quietly in Starbucks, or any other establishment, without fear of being arrested.

Just a few months ago, I spent 3 hours each in 2 different Starbucks in Oklahoma on 3 consecutive days. I do not live in Oklahoma, so these are not Starbucks that I frequent. I was in Oklahoma for the holidays, and had agreed to participate in video interviews for the Safe States Alliance who was hiring a new executive director. I needed Internet access to participate in the interviews, so I went to Starbucks. I got there early to make sure the technology on my laptop worked, and sat in a chair in the corner each day with my laptop and headphones while we conducted the interviews. It never occurred to me that I would be asked to leave or that I would be arrested for just sitting there. Of course, neither happened. But this is something that Americans of different races and ethnicities have to deal with every day. It sickens me.

There was a time when I was uncomfortable with talking about race with my African American friends because I wanted them to see that color didn’t matter to me. Now, I think I’ve done them a disservice because I denied them the opportunity to tell me how race has shaped their perspective.

So now, I’m listening.

I’m listening to my colleague, Dr. Brian Williams, who so poignantly spoke about his feelings following the shooting of law enforcement officers in Dallas on July 7, 2016. Dr. Williams’ latest commentary, entitled "Racism isn't going to steal my weekly Starbucks breakfast with my daughter," can be found in the April 20, 2018 edition of the Dallas Morning News.

I’m listening to my other African American friends describe how they are treated differently at restaurants, other retail establishments, and even professionally because of their race. I listen to their stories about the things they do to not be viewed as the “angry black man or woman.”

I’m listening and learning. Like New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu in his book, In the Shadow of Statues: A White Southerner Confronts History, I’m not trying to justify the sins of my ancestors. As former President George W. Bush said at the dedication ceremony for the National Museum of African American History & Culture, "A great nation does not hide its history. It faces its flaws and corrects them."

Following the incident at the Starbucks in Philadelphia on April 12, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson released a statement calling the incident “reprehensible,” and apologized to the two men. Starbucks Founder and Chair of the Board of Directors Howard Shultz said that he was “ashamed” and “embarrassed” by the incident. Starbucks has announced that on May 29, the company will close 8,000 stores to conduct racial bias training.

I’m grateful for the way that Starbucks has handled the situation. I feel good about the white customers at Starbucks that tried to prevent the arrest, but clearly, there is so much we still need to do.

So, no, I’m not going to boycott Starbucks. But, I am going to keep listening, and learning, and trying to correct our flaws.