Belonging
April 15, 2018
Last week, I wrote about my moment of awe being a photo I saw of my friend, Nancy’s granddaughter on Facebook. Because the blog included personal information about Nancy and her family, I sent it to her first, asking her permission and that of her family to post. Nancy forwarded the blog to her daughter, Laine and Laine’s partner, Sarah. When Nancy later forwarded me Sarah’s approval, something in Nancy’s email caused me to pause. It read, “Sarah, if you need more insight as to how Shelli fits into our lives, I’m happy to provide.” “Shelli fits into our lives.” I liked seeing that!
I like “fitting into” the lives of Nancy and her family, as well as, hopefully, the lives of other friends. This is probably best explained by the fact that my top strength from the Strength Finders assessment is “connectedness.” (see March 16, 2018 post) By nature, you are guided by the notion that no one can live life without some help from others.
Maria Shriver writes about “belonging” in her April 15, 2018 online Sunday Paper: I’ve Been Thinking post. Shriver believes that having a sense of belonging is critical to your emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health. She believes that belonging is grounding, and reassuring, and calming. Shriver says that belonging gives your life a foundation, while not feeling like you belong creates loneliness, unhappiness, fear and anxiety.
Ironically, I had a very similar conversation with some colleagues (and friends) this week. We were discussing how membership in our professional associations had not only advanced our careers, but were a source of support and camaraderie. I’ve been a member of the Safe States Alliance for more than 20 years, and many of the other members are some of my closest friends. We’ve celebrated the births and graduations of our children and mourned the loss of loved ones. We’ve raised a glass of wine (or two or three) to job changes, promotions, and retirements. As my friend, Lisa VanderWerf-Hourigan used to say, “Safe States is family.” For me, more often than not, it has felt that way.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have a large number of diverse, supportive, and interesting friends spread across the U.S. These people fuel my sense of belonging. But, I also know what it feels like to not “fit in.” One of my favorite passages from any book is one that appears in the The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Early in the book, the main character “Skeeter,” who has spent four years at the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss), has arrived back in her hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Skeeter is the only one of her friends who completed a degree; the others left college early sans a degree to return to Jackson and get married. In my favorite passage, Skeeter has returned from being with her hometown friends at a bridge party or something like that. She is ruminating on comments made by her friends, and thinks to herself that she feels like she has been “dropped in a place where I don’t belong anymore.” I understand, Skeeter. I’ve felt that way.
Shriver says that “feeling like we belong — to ourselves, to others, and to our country — is something we all need to feel less anxious. Belonging is calming. Belonging is powerful. It’s at the root of our being. To belong is to feel safe. It’s about being accepted and cared for. It’s about being at home in a family, in a community, and in a country.”
Much of the work that I do consists of improving policies and environmental conditions that contribute to overall safety and good health for the entire population – that’s why it’s called “population health.” I’m not abandoning that. But this week, I think I’ll devote some time to helping an individual who doesn’t think they belong – someone who has been made to feel like an outcast because of their religion, race/ethnicity, gender, sexual preferences, etc. As Maria Shriver says, “Will we pause and look around and see our neighbor as ourselves? Will we pause and see our neighbor as another human being who is also seeking to belong?
This week, I’ll try to be someone else’s “inspiration and moment of awe.”
Good News – Progress Continues
April 12, 2018
My moment of awe this week was a photo pasted on Facebook. No, it wasn’t a photo or meme of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testifying before Congress on the debacle that led to possibly billions of people worldwide having their privacy compromised by Cambridge Analytica. It was a photo posted by my friend, Nancy, of her 3 year-old granddaughter. While Nancy is an exceptional photographer, this was not an exceptional photo, other than it just made me smile. It made me smile because Nancy’s granddaughter bears a striking resemblance to, not her mother (sorry Laine), but to her uncle, Nate (Laine’s brother). Nate was an exceptional young man that had the misfortune to be diagnosed with a genetically rare form of right frontal lobe brain cancer in December 2011; he passed away in November 2017. I loved Nate because his mother is one of my closest friends. I watched Nate grow up. I watched him play with my toddler daughter. Through his parents, I followed his collegiate career, and had the opportunity to visit with intelligent, articulate “adult” Nate. I wept when I learned of Nate’s diagnosis. I wept many other times in conversations with Nate’s mom during the time he was ill. I wept on the day I read Nancy’s text that informed me that Nate had passed.
But today, I smiled. I smiled, not just because Tulah looks like Nate, but because her parents, Laine and Sarah, still have the same rights that I do. That is something that I worried about when I awoke on November 9, 2016. In June 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Constitution guarantees a right to anyone, including persons of the same sex, to marry. Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy said, “No longer may this liberty be denied.” While the Supreme Court decision was significant, public opinion polls for many years prior indicated that most Americans approved of same-sex unions. But, on November 9, 2016, I feared that could change.
Instead, the acceptance of our country to extend “rights” to all persons in society is continuing. On March 25, 2018, my church, a reconciling congregation that “welcomes people of all ages, races, backgrounds, abilities, economic circumstances, sexual orientations, and gender identities into the life and leadership of our church,” came to a consensus agreement that our “church property, including our sanctuary, should be available for all ceremonies of legal marriage.” In June 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Constitution guarantees a right to anyone, including persons of the same sex, to marry. Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy said, “No longer may this liberty be denied.” While the Supreme Court decision was significant, public opinion polls for many years prior indicated that most Americans approved of same-sex unions.
Make no mistake though. Things are not perfect yet, or even close. There are still many people who believe that being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is a “sin.” A quick Google search on this issue will bring up websites from both sides that interpret the same Bible verses very differently. Following the SCOTUS decision, there was no shortage of Christians criticizing the decision. However, a blog post by Adam Hamilton, senior pastor of The United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas, on June 27, 2015, resonated with me. Hamilton said that more than 37 years of studying the Bible taught him that the Bible is at times complicated. He said that within the pages of the Bible, we learn of the heart, character, and will of God, but we also find things that we might question. Some of these things seem to reflect the culture and times the biblical authors lived in more than the timeless will of God. I agree with Hamilton that the Bible, “is wonderfully complex and we do not do it justice, nor are we always able to discern God’s will, simply by quoting a handful of verses.”
Hamilton admitted that his views on homosexuality changed over the years due to two factors. The first was his daily study of scripture and weekly preaching that helped him appreciate the complexity of the Bible and why it needs to be carefully interpreted. Second, he has gotten to know and care for an increasing number of gay and lesbian people, and hearing their stories helped him to see them as human beings.
Last year, I had the opportunity to hear Jen Hatmaker speak at an event in Dallas. Jen is a best-selling Christian author and speaker. She and her husband, Brandon, left a comfortable lifestyle as pastors at a suburban mega church to establish Austin New Church in south Austin, Texas. Austin New Church is focused on serving the under-resourced. In 2016, Jen suffered the wrath of evangelical Christians when she said in an interview that she supported LGBTQ relationships. LifeWay, a large Christian retailer, pulled her books from their stores. She received death threats. Her children were harassed. Yes, you read that correctly – “Christians” were harassing her children and sending her family death threats because she chose to be loving and accepting of people who were different than her. She has said, “Being on the wrong side of the evangelical machine is terrifying and punitive.”
In a November 2016 post on Facebook, Brandon Hatmaker tried to explain the journey that he and Jen had been on that led them to believe that ‘same-sex marriage, as a life-long monogamous commitment, can be holy before God.” Some of that post is reprinted below.
We started with scripture (Again, please assume a ton of prayer). For more than a year we studied every version of every verse in the Bible that appeared to discuss “homosexuality”. We studied the Greek. We studied the Hebrew. We read every commentary we could find related specifically to the related passages. As we would for any topic seeking truth, we did our best to look at each verse with fresh eyes. We applied all the rules to faithfully and ethically interpret scripture: We considered the type of literature, the context in which each was written, what other scriptures say about it giving clues to God’s intent, and viewed each through the lens of the Gospel. The historical view is that scripture is clear on homosexuality. What we found is that it’s not as simple as traditionally taught.
Every verse in the Bible that is used to condemn a “homosexual” act is written in the context of rape, prostitution, idolatry, pederasty, military dominance, an affair, or adultery. It was always a destructive act. It was always a sin committed against a person. And each type of sexual interaction listed was an abuse of God’s gift of sex and completely against His dream for marriage to be a lifelong commitment of two individuals increasingly and completely giving themselves to one another as Christ did for the church.
But not one of these scriptures was written in the context of marriage or civil union (which simply did not exist at this time). Each act mentioned in the Bible was sin, no doubt. In context, we believe the same today. Just like heterosexual sex outside of marriage is sin for obvious reasons, whether consensual or not, we still believe homosexual sex outside of marriage is a sin.
In the same way, we then studied what the Bible says about marriage. Every verse. We studied what scripture describes as God’s original design, God’s gift of sex and procreation, and God’s intent for the relationship. We considered it through the lens of God’s redemptive plan from Genesis to Revelation. We viewed it as the most disciple-making relationship ever dreamed where two individuals learn to increasingly give themselves wholly to each other as Christ did the church. We dug deep into considering which of the Bible’s teaching on marriage was a description of whatever the current state of marriage was at the time each book was written and which of the Bible’s teaching was a prescription for how marriage should be.
Bottom line, we don’t believe a committed life-long monogamous same-sex marriage violates anything seen in scripture about God’s hopes for the marriage relationship.
This week, my sister sent me a photo of an article that her company sent to employees. It said that her company had been ranked by Forbes magazine as 22nd out of 250 companies for diversity. It said her company had achieved a perfect 100% score for the third year in a row on the Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s 2018 Corporate Equality Index, a national benchmarking tool on corporate policies and practices pertinent to LBGTQ employees. Not surprising (to me anyway), is that Parkland Memorial Hospital also received a perfect score for its health care options for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Texans, according to the annual survey by the Human Rights Campaign. The 11th annual Healthcare Equality ranked 1,600 health care facilities across the nation for factors such as patient nondiscrimination and staff training. Parkland was the only Dallas-area medical center to receive a score of 100 percent.
I wish I could share this news with someone in my family who would have rejoiced at this news, but sadly, I cannot. Like Nate, he no longer walks on this Earth.
Things aren’t where they should be yet. But today, I’m awed by the understanding and compassion of the members of my church and others. I’m awed by the resiliency of my friends to continue in the face of immeasurable loss. A precious 3 year-old, and her parents and grandparents awe me. Today, I weep tears of happiness. Thank you Nancy, Steve, Tulah, Nate, Laine, and Sarah. Thank you Parkland Health & Hospital System, Hallmark, Oak Lawn United Methodist Church, and everyone working for all humans to have the same rights!
Message to my sister
April 4, 2018
My sister has often chided me for what she calls my “Pollyanna” viewpoint. While we share many similarities, we have very different personalities. I’ve always thought that I’m the optimist, and she is the pessimist. On the other hand, she believes that she is a “realist.” For most of our lives, this has been our sibling banter. Until last year, that is.
Last year, as our government fell into chaos, hate crimes increased, and threatened erosion of long-awaited social justice gains, were reported on a daily (almost hourly) basis, my friends and I became more and more depressed. Even sunny days in Dallas seemed bleak. As my friends and I have discussed, 2017 was much worse than we could have imagined, and I was in a constant state of worry and fatigue.
One day last year, I was having a conversation with my sister, and she actually pleaded with me to, “Please dig deep and find the hope that was once there. I need my hopeful sister back.” She had no idea how much I wanted the same thing – to feel hopeful again. I hated being depressed. But, as is so often the case, it is difficult to find hopefulness when you feel your life, your existence, is spinning out of control.
The good news is that, with the help and understanding of my friends (and lots of wine talks), we all began to emerge from the darkness. One of the things that helped was an article written by a behavioral specialist, who said we should accept our reality so that we can move forward, rather than paralyzing ourselves with shock and outrage.
Another thing that helped was when my best friend suggested that I spend 2018 looking for moments of awe and inspiration. I accepted her challenge, which is the reason for this website and blog. I have to admit, seeing moments of awe and inspiration didn’t come as easily as it had in the past. At first, it was a struggle to find something positive amid the negative noise. As I’ve written previously, a couple of girlfriend trips enhanced my vision. But something else has happened, and it has come after yet another unimaginable tragedy. Following a shooting spree at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida by a young man with an AR-15, a group of surviving students emerged from the massacre that killed 17 of their classmates and school personnel with a “fire and fury” that I can get behind! As Edward Felsenthal, Editor-In-Chief, of Time, writes in the April 2, 2018 edition of the magazine that features the organizers of the #NeverAgain movement on the cover, the students have “jolted the dormant gun debate from its sleep” with their “justifiable anger and grit.” In less than 2 months, these “kids” and their movement have been instrumental in tightening gun restrictions in Florida, Rhode Island, and Oregon, getting several retail chains to stop selling assault-style weapons, as well as ending some corporate partner relationships with the National Rifle Association. Oh, and they organized the March for our Lives, held on March 24, where hundreds of thousands of people showed up in Washington, DC and at other similar marches across the world!
These kids may be more informed about gun violence than I am, and I’ve spent my entire career in public health and injury and violence prevention. They can spout Centers for Disease Control and Prevention statistics better than I can.
Sure, there is still plenty of hate spilling out from many sources, but these smart, articulate students aren’t backing down. It’s almost like the hate directed against them is fueling their passion. Yes, these students who have experienced fear like I’ve never known, who witnessed their classmates and teachers gunned down in their school, are being jeered for their activism. A February 20 New York Times article reported that some conservative media outlets were describing the students as “crisis actors who travel to the sites of shootings to instigate fury against guns. Or they are called F.B.I. plants, defending the bureau for its failure to catch the shooter. They have been portrayed as puppets being coached and manipulated by the Democratic Party.” Alex Jones, the conspiracy theorist behind the site Infowars, stayed true to past comments on mass shootings, again suggesting that the Parkland shooting was a “false flag” orchestrated by anti-gun groups. (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/20/business/media/parkland-shooting-media-conspiracy.html)
Death threats against the students and their families ensued. Yes, you read that correctly again. There have been death threats against these students as if witnessing the massacre in their school isn’t enough. When asked about this, David Hogg, one of the Parkland students who survived said in an interview with The Washington Post, “It’s annoying. I hate it. But it’s part of American democracy. “Am I an actor? No. Am I a witness? Yes.”
When Fox News host Laura Ingraham mocked Hogg for getting rejected from four universities and accused him of whining about it, he responded by tweeting a list of companies that advertise on Ingraham's show and encouraging them to discontinue their ads from her show. To date, 15 companies have pulled their commercials.
After a Republican congressional candidate from Maine called Emma Gonzalez, another of the Parkland survivors a “skin head lesbian” and Hogg a “bald-faced liar” on Twitter, he was widely criticized. He later deleted his Twitter account and dropped out of the race.
While there are still plenty of negative and hateful comments, there have been far more positive responses. These kids have also recognized that their effort is drawing attention and financial support that efforts by African American activists in urban communities have not. Subsequently, the students from Parkland are trying to correct the imbalance and are engaging groups organized to combat street violence to be part of a bigger united effort.
When interviewers asked them about their poise and sophistication and how they are doing this, they credited their “great teachers” for their leadership skills. Wow, students praising and crediting their teachers! In an interview with MSNBC host Joy Reid, Jaclyn Corin and Cameron Kasky said their “amazing teachers need a bigger paycheck.” I hope my friends and family who are marching with the teachers and students in Oklahoma are paying attention. Listen to the March for our Lives organizers. You are important! And, what you are doing is critical! You are training the next generation of leaders. Feel proud, because you are doing your job well. Keep it up.
Oh by the way, Sonya, I’m back!
Dallas
“This city is my city and I love it, yeah I love it.”
This City by Patrick Stump and Lupe Fiasco
March 30, 2018
Since this is a website devoted to moments of awe and inspiration, obviously I should add a post about one of my favorite places on Earth – my adopted hometown – Dallas, Texas!
I’m not sure when I first fell in love with Dallas. Perhaps, it was in 1978 when the original Dallas television show first aired. Today, as much as I despise the corruption and privilege depicted in the show, hearing that theme song and seeing the opening cityscape montage make me giddy. When I moved to Dallas in 2008, I wanted to be able to look out my window and see that view. So, judge me, if you want. However, I’m not the only person that loves the Dallas skyline. It was voted first place in the 2016 USA Today Readers Choice contest for Best International Skyline!
My view is just one of the reasons I love this city. There are many others. Here are my other top reasons.
1 The weather: I love the mild winters. Texas may be known for its heat, but the truth is Dallas has all four seasons—sometimes even in the same week! Typically, Dallas residents enjoy 234 sunny days per year and only 54 with measurable precipitation, which provides lots of time to do the activities that everyone loves to do outdoors. The climate lends itself to a wide variety of fun activities, both indoors and outdoors, in the city and out in nature, all year round.
2 Diversity: Dallas is truly a melting pot. It has an amazing cross-section of cultures from Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Asian, Latino and African-American, and many others. And, I love DIVERSITY! (See March 16, 2018 post)
3 Easy access to other US and international cities: You can fly almost anywhere non-stop from Dallas. I love to travel. I love experiencing new cultures, new sights, etc. And, I can get almost anywhere relatively easily from Dallas. As of January 2018, Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport (DFW) has service to 216 destinations, including 57 international and 159 domestic destinations within the U.S. Dallas Love Field, which is only 5 miles from where I live, is the corporate headquarters for Southwest Airlines. When the Wright Amendment ended on October 13, 2014, it meant that I could now fly non-stop almost anywhere in the U.S. on Southwest Airlines, and experience the low fares, no change and no bag fees!
4 My neighborhood: Living in a “livable” community is a big issue for me. According to Partners for Livable Communities, “livability” is the sum of the factors that add up to a community’s quality of life—including the built and natural environments, economic prosperity, social stability and equity, educational opportunity, and cultural, entertainment and recreation possibilities. The thing is, I can walk to almost any amenity. The walk score in my neighborhood in Dallas is 97 (www.walkscore.com), compared to 3 in my neighborhood in Purcell, Oklahoma. I can walk to the grocery store, retail, healthcare services, church, the Dallas Museum of Art, coffee shops, numerous parks, restaurants, and other services. I am less than ½ mile from one of my favorite restaurants, Moxies, which has my favorite appetizer, Mosiac Dip! Livable communities bring individuals a higher quality of life and also promote economic growth.
5 Oak Lawn United Methodist Church: I am a Christian, and my faith and Christian upbringing and beliefs are an important part of who I am today. However, my faith and Christianity have been questioned so many times by fundamentalist “friends,” that when I moved to Dallas, I “avoided” church. Plus, I was disgusted by the “hate speech” I heard from conservative evangelicals on television. But, I knew I missed the non-judgmental Christian love and guidance that had been so instrumental in my life. Call it divine intervention, but in June 2016, I found Oak Lawn United Methodist Church, a reconciling congregation that “welcomes people of all ages, races, backgrounds, abilities, economic circumstances, sexual orientations, and gender identities into the life and leadership of our church.” This church has restored my faith in Christianity … and humanity!
6 Parkland Health & Hospital System: In October 2007, I walked into Dr. Ron Anderson’s office to interview for the position of Director of the Injury Prevention Center of Greater Dallas as a favor to a friend. Dr. Anderson was the President and Chief Executive Officer, of Parkland. At that time, I knew of Parkland as the hospital where President John F. Kennedy was taken and later died in 1963. On a more personal level, it was the hospital where my father-in-law was taken for cutting-edge surgery in the 1980s. When I arrived for that interview, I considered it a courtesy to my friend. I was happy in my job in Oklahoma. When I left the interview, I knew that if offered the job, I would crawl to Dallas to accept it, if that was necessary. Parkland’s commitment to serving the underserved with dignity was so aligned with my core values, that I knew that this job was the portal to the next phase of my life. I accepted the job offer in November 2007, and moved to Dallas in January 2008. It has been one of the best decisions of my life.
Dallas is not perfect. But, this is a blog about moments of awe and inspiration, so I won’t elaborate on the negative here. I do know that there are many of my colleagues at Parkland who are working to create the Dallas that I love for all of our citizens.
It is likely that there will come a time in the future when I will have to leave Dallas. But, I will always consider it “my city,” and I will always I love it!
Searched for, and found, moments of awe and inspiration in Oklahoma!
March 24, 2018
Yes, friends who just did a double take upon seeing that title, you read it correctly. There’s not much, if any, good news coming out of Oklahoma. My social media feeds are littered with posts about Oklahoma’s failing economy and failing education system. An August 29, 2017 article in The Guardian by Russell Cobb entitled “Oklahoma isn’t working. Can anyone fix this failing state?” describes how Oklahoma leads the country in cuts to education, where entry-level employees with a high school diploma at the convenience store, QuikTrip make more money than teachers in Oklahoma. Just this week, Oklahoma’s low teacher pay was covered on the first page of the New York Times.
In the Fall of 2017, the top official and a senior deputy at the Oklahoma State Department of Health (where I spent 25 years of my career) resigned amid findings that the agency overspent and mismanaged millions of dollars for years, which has resulted in furloughs, program cuts, and layoffs of many hard-working employees.
I don’t want to be in Oklahoma. With the exception of a few summer trips to our cabin in northeastern Oklahoma and family gatherings and holidays, I try to avoid crossing the Red River. So, it may come as a surprise to some of my friends to see the title of this blog post. But, a few days following the school shootings at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, (and before his self-imposed “Facebook cleanse”), my friend Joe Mallonee posted that he and his wife, Sue, would be marching with students for the March for our Lives in Oklahoma City, and invited others to join them.
A few weeks later when Sue and I were in Colorado, I mentioned to her that I might join them. She didn’t ask me why I would travel to Oklahoma to march instead of participating in the March in Dallas, a city I love. Sue understood something I learned after I participated in the Women’s March in Dallas in January 2017.
I had planned to be in Washington, D.C. on January 20, 2017. I had airline tickets for my daughter and me that I had purchased when it looked like our country was going to elect its first female President. When that didn’t happen, my best friend invited us to keep our tickets and come to DC to march in the Women’s March that was planned for January 21. Normally, a chance to spend time with my best friend, under any circumstances, would have generated some excitement for me. But, I was in a serious state of depression at that time, and it was not subsiding. In late December 2016, I called my friend and told her I wouldn’t be traveling to DC for the 2017 Women’s March. I was just too depressed.
I didn’t learn about the Dallas Women’s March until two days prior to the March. When I awoke on January 21, 2017, it just felt wrong to pull up the covers and stay in bed. So I got out of bed, showered, and walked the eight blocks to Dallas City Hall, where the Dallas Women’s March was scheduled to begin. Something magical happened that day. Thousands and thousands of people descended on Dallas City Hall. A kaleidoscope of individuals and families – black, white, brown, red, yellow, Christian, Muslim, Jew, men, women, young, old, middle-aged, homosexual, heterosexual, healthy, differently impaired, etc., etc., etc.! The easy thing for me to do that day would have been to travel to DC and cocoon with my best friend and other friends. Instead I stayed in Dallas. I have loved Dallas since the first day I became a resident here, but for the weeks and months following the 2016 election, I felt uncomfortable in Middle America. However, on January 21, 2017, I was right where I needed to be. I needed to know that more people than not are kind, caring and loving, even in Middle America.
There may come a time when I have to move back to Oklahoma. When that day arrives, I need to know that there are still caring, empathetic people who reside there. So today, dressed in my “Times Up” t-shirt and armed with my camera, I drove to the Oklahoma State Capitol. Along with my friends and my daughter, I joined thousands of others (yes, thousands even in Oklahoma City) marching for sensible reform in hopes of reducing gun violence anywhere and everywhere. I found the awe and inspiration I was searching for today. I saw it on the news reports from the DC March for Our Lives as I watched the speeches by Emma Gonzalez, David Hogg, Cameron Kasky, and others. I heard it as I listened to students who spoke in Oklahoma City.
When you search for awe and inspiration, you often find it. Today, I found it in Oklahoma and on the news. I’m feeling hopeful.
Two "Aha" Moments in One Week -- Change, New Beginnings, Diversity, and Sunrises!
You are under no obligation to be the person you were
a year, month, or even 15 minutes ago.
You have the right to grow.
No apologies.
March 16, 2018
This week, I had not one, but two “aha” moments – those times when knowledge coincides with crystal clear understanding.
Before I reveal what life-changing understanding transpired, let me provide some context. Recently, I’ve started seeing a professional counselor . . . again. While I have always been open to professional counseling, it was after a conversation with my friend, Mendy, many years ago that I actually made an appointment with a psychologist. At that time, I was experiencing a lot of turmoil at work. I casually mentioned some of what had been happening to a colleague who was a sociologist. He listened to me, and when I had finished talking, he suggested that it might be helpful for me to talk to a counselor. He let me know that the circumstances that I had described were “major upheavals” and that discussing them with a counselor might be productive in helping me. When I mentioned the discussion with my colleague to Mendy (who was the person that I talked to most about the situation), she agreed with my colleague. I’ll never forget what she said to me that day. “Shelli, you are my friend, and I love you. Therefore, I can’t be objective about the situation because when you talk to me, I get mad at the situation on your behalf. Perhaps, it would be helpful for you to talk to someone who can be objective.” I’m not sure why I thought I needed permission, but I may have felt like Mendy and my colleague had given me permission to seek professional help. I made an appointment that week and was able to navigate that difficult situation with the counselor’s help and input.
Fast forward to the present – my current counselor has been asking questions to better understand me, why I feel and react to situations a certain way, etc. For some of the questions, I’ve struggled to come up with easily accessible answers, and “It is what it is” has become my quick default. I doubt that response pleases my counselor.
This week at work, I was asked to complete the Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment, which was developed by the Gallop Organization under the leadership of Donald Clifton, following many years of research. The online assessment includes a series of paired self-descriptor questions. You have 20 seconds to select the descriptor that best describes you, and the extent to which it describes your personality. There are 34 identified themes. Once you’ve completed the assessment, you immediately receive your top five most dominant strengths in order of strongest to less strong. The assessment measures your natural patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. Note, that this assessment describes strengths, not weaknesses.
When I looked at my top five strengths and the accompanying Insight Report, I was dumbstruck. Nothing has ever come so close to pinpointing my thoughts and beliefs. This is IT, I thought. This is me! Aha moment #1. To my family and friends, I’m probably going to send you hard copies of my report. For those who don’t want to wait for it in “snail mail,” (and are reading this post), see below for my top five strengths/themes.
Connectedness – By nature, you are guided by the notion that no one can live life without some help from others. This idea compels you to consider how what you do and say affects people you know and individuals you will never meet. It’s very likely that you may welcome all kinds of people into your circle of friends, family, and acquaintances, without expecting them to conform to your way of thinking, working or living. You revel in the diversity of mankind. You refrain from being surrounded only by people who remind you of yourself. (Yes family members, this is #1 on my list!)
Harmony – You rely on the collective intelligence and wisdom of experts to guide you toward the best solutions or answers. By nature, you seek out and listen to the opinions of others before you express your own views. You derive satisfaction from reaching goals individuals have set for you. You realize that you interact with certain people better when you maintain a healthy equilibrium – that is, and intellectual or emotional poise – in all areas of your life.
Developer – You make a point of acknowledging and applauding the unique contributions of your teammates, by calling attention to their talents, knowledge and skills. You realize that the wealth you accumulate is less important to you than the curious mix of people you invite into your life. Individuals who are not at all like you enrich you in ways that money cannot.
Belief – Instinctively, you refuse to live a meaningless existence. You seek a vocation that allows you to express certain values every day. Chances are good that you might be determined to push for specific kinds of changes that could benefit humankind or Earth itself. You have a reputation for toiling for several hours when an assignment adds some special meaning to your work, studies or life.
Arranger – When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. You are flexible, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. You jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships – because, after all, there might be a better way.
Suddenly, the answer to some of the questions my counselor had been asking me is no longer “It is what it is,” but rather summed up succinctly in the list above.
“Aha moment” number 2 was in reading the following sentence that appeared in my report. “The odds that someone shares the same top five themes as you are roughly 1 in 33 million!'“ Suddenly the phrase, no two people are alike had new meaning. No two people are alike, and that is okay. I’m okay! I don’t have to think, act, look or believe like anyone else. As long as I am respectful of other beliefs, I can disagree with you, and it doesn’t make me “wrong” as I’ve been told repeatedly. As I gain new knowledge, I can change my mind about things I was told to believe in my youth. I can change my mind based on new experiences, and that’s okay.
In a New York Times article entitled “The Progressive Voice Bursting From Texas and Spreading Everywhere” about long-time WFAA sports reporter, Dale Hansen, Hansen explains his political and cultural evolution. He said, “I’m attracted to diversity because I had none in my life (when he was growing up in Iowa). I like people who challenge me, who aren’t the same as me.”
I could say the same. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that I “crave” diversity because of my childhood. I also “crave” change. There’s just something about change and new beginnings that energize me. My husband often complains that I’ve moved five times in the 10 years I’ve lived in Dallas. That’s because I don’t like living in the same place. When I hear people talk about purchasing or building their “forever” house, I feel nauseous. Seriously. I feel the same way about taking the same vacation every year. That doesn’t mean I think everyone should live like I do; I respect and appreciate that others feel differently. And in case you think I have “commitment” issues, I don’t. I’ve been married to the same person for 39 years, and to date, have had three jobs of 7, 16 and 10 years that span 36 years.
My cravings for change and new beginnings may be why I love sunrises. A sunrise represents a new day, a new chance, a clean slate, and new opportunities to experience “moments of awe.”
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time trying to convince others that I’m okay even if I’m not a carbon copy of them. This week, I realized that it’s okay for me to have different beliefs, and it doesn’t make me any less Christian or “wrong.” It’s okay for me to change my mind. But perhaps instead of spending time trying to convince others that I’m okay, the person that I should have spent time convincing that I’m okay is me.
#stillaworkinprogress
A Wrinkle in Time
"It’s only a matter of time until the darkness breeds fear. The fear turns to rage, and the rage leads to violence. Then, there’s a tipping point. We’re in search of warriors who can fight the evil, who can bring hope back."
Mrs. Witch, A Wrinkle in Time, 2018
March 11, 2018
I had one goal for today – go see A Wrinkle in Time. If I got nothing else accomplished, I was going to see that movie. My friend, Amber, had told me after the release of Wonder Woman, that it was important to see films directed by women on the film’s opening weekend. Honestly, it didn’t matter that the film had a female director (Ava DurVernay), I was going to see it anyway because of the leading actresses (Reese Witherspoon, Oprah Winfrey and Mindy Kaling). I would see any movie if these women were in it/them, but the fact that all three were in the same movie was just “pudding,” as my friend Leslea used to say.
I haven’t read A Wrinkle in Time – not as a child or as an adult. But, I was going to see the movie. It didn’t matter that the film had gotten “lukewarm” reviews. Rotten Tomatoes gave it two stars. Richard Larson writing in Vanity Fair said, “Much of the excitement for A Wrinkle in Time was generated by the fact that DuVernay—the talented director behind Middle of Nowhere and Selma—is the first woman of color to direct a live-action film with a budget exceeding $100 million. What a shame, then, that the end product of that history-making work is such a mess.” Forbes called it, “a well-intentioned disappointment.”
I’m not a film critic. I have no credentials to judge movies, other than whether I like them or not. And, I LOVED this movie. Aramide A. Tinubo, writing for Think, said A Wrinkle in Time isn’t a film for critics. It’s Ava DuVernay’s love letter to black girls.” Maybe it is DuVernay’s “love letter” to black girls, but this film adaptation resonated with me, an “older, white woman” who is still trying to figure out a world that looks different than what I thought it was. What I saw in this movie is an optimistic hope (something I haven’t felt much in the last year) for our country that is in the midst of turmoil (something I have felt acutely since November 9, 2016). In an interview with People magazine, Oprah Winfrey said that when she spoke the words, “The darkness is spreading so fast these days. The only thing faster than light is the darkness,’” she was thinking about all of the protesting going on all over the world. She said she had images in her head of specific violent acts being committed against groups of people.
Kevin Fallon, writing for The Daily Beast, said “This is a film that warns against the evils that surround us every day, and against the kind of complacency that comes when it’s easier to sacrifice our light and become complicit with the darkness. There’s a topicality to that message that shouldn’t need elucidating here, on a website that daily chronicles acts of gun violence, threats of war, forced indignities on citizens, and an institutionalized lack of compassion that’s led to riots, cultural splintering or, worse, ambivalence.” Fallon points to a moment near the end of the film when the Winfrey, Kaling and Witherspoon characters give Meg gift/tools to help her on her journey. Fallon says they are “three ideas that are carry metaphors for this film’s own value, not to mention what we should hope to glean from it moving forward: own your flaws, for they can be your greatest assets; remember to look at the world differently than you’ve been conditioned to; and, no matter what, never abandon each other.”
I couldn’t agree more with that excellent advice/message. And maybe, just maybe, this chaotic period of hate in our country is just “a wrinkle in time.”
#bringinghopeback
#60
"I'm starting on Page One, Chapter One, of Part Three of my life."
Sally Field
March 3, 2018
I’m 60 years old. And, yes, it pains me to write those words. My grandparents were “old” when they were 60. One of my grandfathers only lived two years beyond his 60th birthday, and my father only made it five years past. But this is 2018, and some things have changed since 1966 and 1998. Attitudes have changed. My friends who are 60+ are not old.
I started 2018 with a vow to “search for moments of awe” and spend “down time” with friends. Shortly after making this vow, I committed to two “girlfriend trips.” The first trip in January was to Ashville, North Carolina with three colleagues who have become close, trusted friends. The second trip was to Breckenridge, Colorado for my birthday with another close friend to snow ski. As each trip neared, I fell into old patterns of doubting whether I could afford the time away from work. I started to “dread” each trip, and in each case, doubting my decision to spend time away from my job. But, in both cases I went on the trip.
The first trip, while only 48 hours, allowed me to reconnect with friends that I care about deeply. We spent time talking, enjoying good wine and cocktails, and seeing sights in Ashville. Instead of feeling tired after the quick trip, I felt emotionally refreshed. Thank you Amber, Linda and Susan.
As the second trip approached, I felt the same impending dread and fear about missing work. In fact, I considered cancelling the trip as late as one week prior to departure. I think the only thing that kept me from cancelling was a more overriding fear of disappointing the friend I would be traveling with to Breckenridge. She had been persistent in planning the trip around the 60th birthdays of another friend and me.
To say that I love Breckenridge would be an understatement. I first visited the community in 1987 (with the same friend and two others). We were four young women driving to Colorado for a ski trip (the second in my life) during the Martin Luther King holiday weekend. We drove through the night from Oklahoma City to Silverthorne, Colorado (you can do that when you are young!), and I remember the awe and majesty of the mountains as we began our ascent on I-70 to Summit County. I remember the smell of the pinion wood. I remember how it felt to be at the top of the mountain and look down to the community of Breckenridge. While I’ve had the opportunity to travel to many countries and exotic locales and snow ski at many Colorado, New Mexico and Utah resorts, nothing conjures as much happiness as returning to Breckenridge.
In spite of my dread and apprehension about missing work, this trip was magical! Sure, it takes a lot more effort and energy to put on ski boots and carry skis than it did 31 years ago, but the beauty of the surroundings, fun and accomplishment of finishing a ski run, sitting in the hot tub with a view of the mountains and trees, and stimulating and spirited conversations with my two intelligent, savvy and fun friends while enjoying good wine and food was exactly what I needed! Thank you Sue and Phyllis.
On my birthday, I received many text messages from friends and family, and I’m grateful for their love and support. Two of those messages are particularly meaningful to me. The first was from my friend, Leslea with the Robert Frost quote. “The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” The second message was from my mom. “This time 60 years ago, I was in labor. I was an immature mother that had to mature fast with this little, but mighty bundle in my arms. When I looked at your little hands that were miniatures of mine, it really made me realize what responsibility I had in my life! You have been a blessing to me, and others in your life. I hope you can relax and renew on this trip. I know there are mountains in your life. I pray that you will be given courage to climb them with love and grace. You are still my little rock star. I love you.” Thank you Leslea and Mom.
I am so grateful that I can still see and experience awe-inspiring beauty and love.
