We Need to End The Narrative that Women are Selfish for Taking Care of Themselves
April 17, 2026
A few years ago, I attended a memorial service for a woman who was a few years younger than me. She was a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, and sister. In delivering the eulogy the minister highlighted that when her family members described her, the word that came up most often was sacrificial. At those words, every fiber in my body tensed. I sent up a silent prayer that no one at my memorial service would use those words to describe me.
At the risk that I have completely alienated readers with that comment, please let me explain, and please try to understand.
The woman loved her family very much and probably enjoyed serving them. If that brought her joy, that’s wonderful. Every person deserves to spend time doing things that make them happy. But not every person is the same. And not everything that makes one person happy makes everyone happy. We are all unique individuals.
My issue with the comment is that I’m done with the societal expectations of what has been coined as “toxic femininity,” and that every woman should aspire to be sacrificial and only that. I’m done with feeling the weight of those expectations from family, acquaintances, and the evangelical community. Done. Done. Done.
In a blog posted on December 22, 2025, by Dr. Stephanie O’Brian, toxic femininity refers to a narrow, inflexible definition of what it means to be a woman. It encourages traits such as passivity, submissiveness, politeness, emotional sensitivity, attractiveness, and putting other people’s needs, often men’s needs, ahead of one’s own. Dr. O’Brian says that version of femininity is both limiting and psychologically harmful when it becomes “a requirement rather than a choice.”
I have lived that version of feminine expectations for so much of my life. I have listened to comments couched in “care and concern” about me “prioritizing my career and self-care over my family obligations.” It’s not true, and it’s just one more example of how society tries to mold women into a narrowly defined existence (wives, mothers, caregivers).
I have dealt with the anxiety of not living up to those expectations. I have agonized over feeling like I don’t “fit in,” or that I’m a disappointment.
I recently read a Substack post by Dan Haylett that says the average healthy 60-year-old has 12 more years before their mobility, energy, and independence start to significantly decline and life gets noticeably harder. I’m already past 60, so my “shelf life” is quickly expiring.
I want to do the things I enjoy and spend time with people I love while I’m still physically healthy to do so. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be there to help my family and friends. But it does mean that I won’t be made to feel guilty for not fitting into someone else’s expectation. I want the same for my daughter and granddaughter.
I need to model good emotional health for them, and that includes shedding toxic femininity and the anxiety and shame surrounding it. I’d like to erase the image of me not being authentic from my daughter’s memory, but I know I can’t do that. What I can do is exemplify authenticity for my granddaughter. I can try to make her comfortable in who she is and let her know that I love that person – not who others think she should be.
I want them to know it’s ok to take care of themselves. If that means getting away from the chaos for a few days, that’s ok. There are numerous studies that show people who regularly engage in self-care practices experience lower rates of chronic disease, better mental health, and even longer life spans. It’s not selfish. Science backs up the importance of self-care.
It is hard to overcome the mental models that have shaped our lives. But it’s not too late to try.
Self-reflection and Unlearning Can Lead to a Happier Life
April 7, 2026
My friend Sue sent me a link to an article about three things that experts say can make people 70+ the happiest. I read the article with great interest because I’m closing in on that milestone age.
Number one on the list was “the happiest people after 70 have learned to live their own lives.” It’s not the life that society, your parents, or your friends tell you to live. While I wholeheartedly agree with that, it’s not easy. Most of us reach adulthood with deep-rooted family belief systems and societal norms that have shaped everything, including “do what your family and/or society expects.”
That brings us to the second thing that the happiest people over 70 know – they understand how their childhood influenced their adulthood – “the patterns they repeated, the wounds they nursed, the defenses they built, and the healing they’ve done or still need to do.” I venture to say that those who have spent time in self-reflection understand the need to “unlearn” old ideas and shed “mental models” and beliefs that no longer serve us. In one of my favorite books on leadership, author Jim Collins rote, “The most important lessons lay not in what I needed to learn, but in what I first needed to unlearn.” It’s hard to challenge the mental models we picked up in childhood and hung on to, but doing so just might lead to less regrets later in life.
The third thing mentioned in the article is that the happiest people after 70 have learned how to form truly trusting relationships. It took me awhile, but I think I have finally mastered this one. In doing so, I had to let go of relationships (often born out of obligation) that kept me emotionally stunted and unable to grow in wisdom.
I’m not waiting until I reach 70 to adopt these practices. Hopefully, it will not only make me more joyful, but it will also give my daughter and granddaughter permission to end old patterns that don’t serve them either.
To read the full article, you can find it at this link: https://www.yourtango.com/self/experts-say-happiest-people-after-seventy-arent-ones-chased-purpose-focused-these-things
Letting Go of Certainty to Embrace Discovery and Curiosity
March 21, 2026
For several years, I’ve been on a quest for continuous growth. While I’d like to believe that is something that I’ve always strived for, the truth is that it probably started because of opportunities I have had through work that allowed me to be exposed to principles of collaborative inquiry and adaptive action as part of addressing issues through a systems thinking approach.
I have spent my entire career in public health and injury and violence prevention. My career has spanned decades, which means I’ve been doing this for a very long time. There was a time when I thought that I would have known all the solutions for my field by the time I reached this stage in my life. Silly, silly me.
The reality is that public health and injury and violence issues (as with most societal problems) are complex issues. Regardless of what you’ve been told, there are no easy solutions. There’s not one thing that will fix everything. To address these problems, we need to look at the system as a whole. We need new discoveries and new knowledge. We need to consider different perspectives to generate solutions.
But, the system I grew up in, got married in, started my career in, and became a parent in didn’t teach me that. It taught me to value certainty and not to question societal “rules” or authority.
According to Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, certainty often looks competent, virtuous, responsible, and strong. Certainty quietly erodes trust, narrows perspective, and replaces curiosity with conclusion. https://leadersinspired.com/when-certainty-replaces-curiosity/.
In contrast, curiosity fosters resilience, enhances emotional health, and strengthens relationships. Research has also shown curiosity to be associated with higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of anxiety, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_surprising_benefits_of_curiosity.
I have finally realized that deviating from the societal expected path isn’t wrong. Quite the opposite – it is healthier and can lead to a more meaningful life.
Here’s to embracing discovery and curiosity.
Who Knew – Food Can Be Connecting as well as Nourishing!
March 3, 2026
My sister gave me a shocking gift for my birthday this year – a gift card to Sur La Table!
Actually, the gift wasn’t shocking. What is shocking is the fact that she selected it for me not as a joke but knowing that I would love it.
When my husband met my best friend for the first time, he told her, “We have a kitchen because it came with the house!”
To say that I’ve had a complicated relationship to food is an understatement. I was a skinny kid and finicky eater. Meals in my family were mostly meat casseroles and southern vegetables (green beans with ham or fried okra). From an early age, I dreaded meals.
When I got married, I tried once to cook fried chicken (which I have always loathed), and it was a disaster. My lack of prowess in the kitchen became my husband’s favorite joke, and by extension that of his family and friends. It was just easier to go along with it.
Later in life when I moved to Dallas, I started hanging out with “foodie friends” who opened up a whole new world of food experiences for me. Through them, I not only discovered a plethora of diverse foods and spices, but the joy and connection that cooking together and sharing conversations over a nice meal brings.
Last year, when all of my friends were facing daily challenges, my friend Stewart started the No Thank You Bite group on Facebook. As Stewart says, “Some of life’s best memories are tied to a table filled with friends and strangers and sharing tastes of delicious food, intellectual conversation, and emotional experiences.”
I have become one of the group’s top contributors – trying recipes from around the world, as well as sharing some of my staples (various versions of homemade hummus).
I may be late to the cooking table, but I’m so grateful to share that table with my friends. #itsnevertoolate #shellicooks #foodconnects
Connections Make Life More Meaningful
February 23, 2026
“How resilient we are may have as much or more to do with our social environment and circle of support as it does with our personal strengths.”
Jill Suttie
“Four Ways Social Support Makes You More Resilient”
Greater Good Magazine – Science-Based Insights for a Meaningful Life
November 13, 2017
I was scrolling through YouTube when I ran across a BBC Global conversation posted on February 9, 2026, between BBC journalist Katty Kay and Jane Wurwand, founder of Dermalogica. Wurwand suggests that the jobs that will become most valuable in an AI era are the ones where human interaction matters most – those that are built around person-to person connection. Wurwand call this her "high touch" theory of Al. She says “high touch” isn’t just about physical touch, but the business of human connection.
For the past six years, I’ve worked for an association that does “high touch” better than any organization I know. And we are a virtual workplace! This isn’t just one employee singing the praises of her workplace. I hear this almost daily from new members of Safe States Alliance as well as long-time members. They tell me that Safe States feels like “family.” They tell me that in joining Safe States, they “found their people.”
Numerous studies show that social connections are crucial for health and well-being. A study conducted during the COVID-19 lockdown period found that greater social connectedness during the lockdown period was associated with lower levels of perceived stress, as well as general and COVID-19-specific worries. Furthermore, it found that individuals with smaller network sizes, who were highly distressed during the pandemic, were also likely to report feeling more fatigued.
The findings highlight the important role that social connections play in promoting resilience by buffering against negative physical and mental health outcomes, particularly in times of adversity.
A Harvard Business Review article posted in 2021 stated that resilience is found not just in having a network of supporters, but in truly connecting with them through actual interactions — the conversations that validate your plans, reframe your perspective on a situation, help you laugh and feel authentic with others, or just encourage you to get back up and try again because the battle is a worthy one — that we become resilient. Relationships may be our most undervalued resources.
Speaking for myself, I want to feel connected, seen, and heard. I want to be part of something that gives me a feeling of self-worth. But I also need to feel safe with my connections – not just physically, but psychologically.
When I moved to Dallas in 2008, I was often asked if I was lonely by people who had been part of my life before the move. They assumed that because I left family, a job, and individuals that I had known for many years and settled in a new location that I must be lonely. But being in proximity to people for an extended period of time doesn’t always equate to safe and nurturing relationships.
There are also numerous studies that show the value of connection lies in building strong relationships. Meaningful connections foster trust, communication, and a supportive environment, which can contribute to personal and organizational success.
Last night, I had dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in several years. Although we keep in touch via text messages and occasional Zoom calls, neither one of us could remember the last time we were together in the same place. It was easy to catch up about the good things as well as the hard things in our lives because we both recognize our friendship is a safe space.
I have established deeper connections with colleagues and friends (some new and others that I’ve known for years) during the past 18 years than I ever did previously. Maybe it is maturity. Maybe it is a desire to continue to grow or a yearning for new experiences.
What I know for sure is that my connections make my life more meaningful.
